Worries, Rage, and Big Love: 200 Honest Experiences of Pregnancy and Postpartum Feelings

It's data time! If you're just tuning in, last year I created an informal survey to collect information about real moms' real emotional experiences with pregnancy and postpartum life. If you're a truth seeker and want these insights sent right to your inbox, sign up here.

I wanted to see if more data would confirm the shared experience I was hearing repeatedly from friends and clients, and figured a survey that allowed for anonymity may allow for honesty.

I gave a sneak peak graphic of the postpartum phase, and gave some bullet points earlier this month that you can see here.

If you're anything like me, you're wondering what it was actually like for these 200+ mamas during this time, so today I'm going to provide a summary of the symptoms reported from our moms and moms-to-be.

Before getting to the the numbers, I want to contextualize them in some of the topics that emerged repeatedly.

In addition to the fatigue, isolation, and all the many experiences that shot through in that first infographic I shared, women talked a lot about feeding issues – from breastfeeding woes to formula guilt to the pain of pumping – and the difficulty of returning to work. Various losses, either direct or as witness, came up quite a bit as well.

Also the shock of, well, everything. More on that later.

Okay, these are the stats that showed up. Multiple options could be chosen so percentages equal well over 100%.

During pregnancy, while no category went unchecked, the most common symptoms were mild to moderate anxious or worried thoughts (77%, with an additional 24% in the moderate - severe range), difficulty sleeping (47%), and intrusive thoughts (28%).

Difficulty connecting with partner came next (25%), followed by mild to moderate depression and critical self-talk, both hovering around 23%.

What about after the arrival of baby?

Coming in at number one again was mild to moderate anxious or worried thoughts, though this time it was tied with difficulty connecting with partner – both at 62%. The latter will be the subject of the next round of feedback. 

Tied for second (and no one who's been through those sleepless first months will be surprised at the pairing) was difficulty sleeping and feelings of rage – both at 43%.

Third place was a tie too, with 40% of moms reporting mild to moderate sad or depressed thoughts and critical self-talk.

I'm going to keep going, because it's wild how high these numbers are. 36% of moms had moderate to severe anxious or worried thoughts and the same amount had a tendency to isolate themselves.

Nearly 35% of respondents had intrusive thoughts, and 33% had moderate to severe sad or depressed thoughts. While the above symptoms are not diagnoses per se, they are certainly the ingredients. 

Finally, 25% of moms reported PTSD symptoms which is pretty on par with current research.

I've been thinking hard about my mission to not scare the shit out of new moms and looking at these numbers posed a challenge.

But then I remembered a few things:

One, these experiences can and often do exist against the backdrop of wild crazy love. Even in the narratives, so many difficult feelings came right alongside the unfathomable magnitude of fierce love for baby.

This didn't always come right away, but it was there on the record. So it's a mixed bag. Anyone who has experience of being a mom and/or supporting moms knows this world of both/and.

But two, so many moms mentioned feeling confused, guilty, ashamed of, and isolated with these feelings, which, in my experience, seriously exacerbates the issue. So I have to believe that sharing, normalizing, and connecting is a big piece here.

I don't know about you, but when I picture a mama alone in a room with her babe experiencing intrusive distressing thoughts or feeling deeply sad feelings, my heart aches.

When I picture her in a group or imagine her remembering that someone told her this is how it could be, the pain lessons as I imagine her tasting notes of this-is-temporary-and-I-can-get-through-this (especially with help from friends and/or professionals).

And three, even if these symptoms equal a full fledge PMAD (perinatal mood and anxiety disorder), those are highly treatable. I repeat, PMADS are highly treatable.

In the meantime, what can We do?

First of all. We can keep showing up for each other during pregnancy and the postpartum phase. This will be easier to do in the best way when you've given compassion to your own experience. You can't give what you don't have.

Want a heap of self compassion tools for yourself and your mama friends? Here you go. Pass it along. (Why Self Compassion is the holy grail of well being is a post for another day. It's at the heart of my personal and professional work. Here's a quick hit of research relevant to mom life.).

We can talk about the harder things in ways that are as simple as they are true: "I found those early months to be really tough and wish I'd had more support. At the same time I'm proud we made it through and I started enjoying life more."

"I was surprised by how challenging it was to figure some parenting things out and definitely judged myself harshly. But I've since learned everyone has those struggles."

(Here's a whole post on Say This, Not That if you need more ideas)

We can offer our favorite cyber resources to our moms. Here are a few of mine: Mind Body Pregnancy, Postpartum Progress,  Postpartum Support International. If you have faves I'd love for you to reply and tell me about them.

And we can stay educated on when we might kindly recommend – to ourselves and to our fellow mamas – when getting more support is in order. Of the moms participating in this survey, some actually had diagnosed depression and anxiety and some were sharing their experiences for the very. first. time. Let's help each other out by spreading good listening and good resources.

Finally, for readers who are pregnant, planning to be, or want a different experience the next time around, you can start thinking about protective mechanisms - those actions you can take to give yourself the best chance to feel well. Those include:

- tending to your basic wellness (e.g., adequate nutrition, exercise, and rest), 
- increasing your awareness (books, classes, articles, etc.)
- decreasing stress (lifestyle interventions, meditation, etc.)
- bolstering various types of support, such as social (friends, group prenatal classes, etc.), emotional (individual psychotherapy, group support, couples counseling, etc.), and practical (doulas, mother's helpers, etc.). 

Okay, that was a lot. Thoughts? Impressions? I'm all ears! 

As always, for any San Francisco mamas seeking supportive counseling, I am here. To find perinatal specialists near you, here's the PSI support map!

Yours in wellness, self-care and compassion,

Shana
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​Think I may be the right fit for you or a loved one? Feel free to email me at contact@shanaaverbach.com or call 415-963-3546 for a free 20-minute consultation call.