Your words matter.

To feel depressed or anxious anytime is difficult. To feel this way during a time society says is supposed to be nothing but joyous is devastating. Whether you are the friend, spouse, parent or neighbor of a mom who is struggling while pregnant or after having a baby, or if it's YOU reading this, mama, the way you respond is important.

Since the experience of postpartum suffering is like an open wound, the way we treat it can feel like a soothing salve or a stinging squeeze of lemon. (If you cringed at that last sentence, that's it - you already get it!)

Sometimes we say the wrong things. It's not for lack of caring. In fact, it's often our way of trying to help. But good intention carries little value if it cannot be absorbed by the very person its intended for. I think it's fair to say we've all been on both sides of this.

Since most of us have to fumble through difficult conversations at one time or another, here are some tips on how to talk to a mama who is struggling in a way that will maximize that soothing response. Again, these are just as relevant for how to talk to SELF as for other.

When learning mom is having a hard time, thank her from the bottom of your heart for sharing this with you, and then:

1. DO genuinely empathize and reflect how tough that sounds.

Accurate empathy calms our nerves.This could sound like:

I can imagine how hard it must be to care for such a new and needy person while feeling down.

It must be tough to be working so hard and not feeling well.

For the mamas reading, go ahead and try to say these soothing statements to yourself and see if they feel different than the usual "if I was a better mom, I wouldn't feel this way in the first place" nonsense.

DON'T start any sentence with "but."

But look at your baby - he's perfect!

But you look great!

Yep, baby is doing fine and mom's distress is getting in the way of being able to enjoy him. Mom looks great because she's desperately trying to mask the fact that she feels like shit.

While of course you are likely trying to be reassuring, when you respond with "but" it inadvertently invalidates mom's very real experience.

2. DO ask "what can I do to help"?

This sends the bold and simple message, "You are not alone. I am here with you." She may feel so terrible about needing help that it's hard to ask for exactly what she needs. She might be so overwhelmed that she doesn't even know.

While respecting mama's wishes, you can gently offer some ideas, such as keeping her company, remaining a phone call away, doing some chores around her house (or you can sneak them in while visiting), bringing food, holding the baby while she showers or otherwise tends to herself.

For moms reading this, you might ask yourself "what would feel helpful right now. What do I need"? Yes, the answer may be unobtainable at times. (like if you want 10 straight hours of sleep or a trip to Hawaii yesterday), but other times perhaps you'll find you need a hug or a burrito from your favorite spot. 

DON'T offer a vague, "let me know if I can help." 

There's a difference between asking "how can I help" (it lends an air of action and willingness) and "let me know if I can help" (it's distant and can lack in sincerity). 

Again, mama might not ask for help in any way, but at least set her up for real connection with your offer and your self.

3. DO relate to the extent that you can.

Only do this if it's genuine. Maybe you had another friend or relative move through a difficult postpartum period, or you're up to date on how common both the baby blues (~ 80% of postpartum moms) and postpartum depression (~15%) and anxiety (~10%) are.

Perhaps you suffered yourself (danger zone, see below!). This might sound like:

My cousin went through postpartum depression with her first.

You're so not alone, a lot of woman struggle in the first year.

I had a ton of anxiety when I had my daughter. It sucked, but I got help and it feels like a distant memory now.

For mamas reading, tell yourself that many amazing women have been through the same excruciating experience and come out on the other side. Need help? Resources below!

DON'T try to one-up this suffering mama with war stories of those you perceive had it "worse." Also don't drop off a simple "everyone feels this way." 

Sometimes we want mom to think it's not that bad (or we truly don't understand how bad it is), so we either tell her it's normal (it's very common, yes - see stats above - but not normal per se, as in we need to tend to it in order to get to the real normal) and change the subject, or share information that we think will demonstrate how small the problem is. These sentences sometimes start with the words "at least."
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At least you have a partner. My neighbor raised six kids all alone.

At least you aren't that woman on the news last week who . . .

The issue here is twofold.

Mom already feels like the situation isn't that bad (again, our culture tells us this is the best, most treasured time, even though it's so hard!), but that she is faulty in some way for struggling. This is the voice of depression, and it's neither logical nor loving.

Also, we can't compare suffering, as each of us experiences life in a different way, plain and simple (not to mention, you likely know a fraction of the story of your neighbor or women you see on TV).

While mom is in the thick of her distress, focus on her and her experience, and believe she feels exactly as bad as she says.  Even if you wish she didn't.

If you've gone through a similar experience, you may feel compelled to share all the scary thoughts and deep despair you felt. While your story is worthy of attention too, now may not be the time to share each and every detail.

There's a fine line between normalizing and oversharing in a way that can be overwhelming. When in doubt, check in with this vulnerable person you're attempting to support to see if what you're sharing is helpful. This could sound like "Would it be helpful to hear a little about my experience and how I got through it"?


To be present with your own or someone else's suffering can be hard, as can knowing the right way to respond. Hopefully these tips, which don't have to be perfectly executed can help guide the way.

If you are gifted with the knowledge that mom is really struggling and could use some extra help, here are some good things to know.

Everything from postpartum depression to anxiety to psychosis is highly treatable. Women can and will feel better again. If you want to learn more, a great starting point is PSI: You can also call their warm line between 9:00 AM – 9:00 PM at 1-800-944-4773.

Right here In San Francisco you can call Talkline 24/7: (415) 441-KIDS or (415) 441-5437. They also have in-person services. They. Are. Awesome.

And here is a comprehensive list of San Francisco maternal mental health resources: 

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Yours in wellness, self-care and compassion,

Shana
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​Think I may be the right fit for you or a loved one? Feel free to email me at contact@shanaaverbach.com or call 415-963-3546 for a free 20-minute consultation call.

I"ve written about hypocrisy before, and also about my personal experience forgetting to attune to my own needs, waiting, like so many until I'm feeling super low/immobilized/crazypants.

But one of thing I've yet to mention is that nasty P word ; Perfectionism. Oh how I loathe thee, because you're so damn stifling. You get in the way of good-enough-ness, you stop things before they ever really start. You're as critical as the day is long. Like the last-day-of school-long,  or your-toddler-is exercising-his-free-will-via-throwing-himself-on-the-ground-in-response-to-all-your-offers-of-the-wrong-food-and-your partner-has-to-work-late-long.

Perfectionism is a bit misunderstood, because it's not about something being perfect per se; it's about you not being good enough unless and until you've figured out the exact right version of something, whether that be a response to someone, the creation of a product, or the a role you are playing. 

It's a set up to never accept what is. Which is unfortunate, cause that's where all the good stuff lives. 

I'd say perfectionism is at the crux of many of my clients' struggles, thereby making me (this is going to be the cheesiest thing I've ever said, but in the name of giving less f*#@*s. down with OPP - other people's perfectionism. 

As a person who specializes in working with high functioning women who are invisibly experiencing anxiety and depression, it's no surprise that these tendencies show up.

Every week I sit across from these amazing individuals who have accomplished so many things in some of the big life domains: education, occupation, relationships, friendships, family life, and still have a sense that they are doing life wrong in some way. 

So we greet the experience, develop compassion together, find and activate a more authentic way to operate, and round out the story. It helps, but it's hard until it isn't anymore - for the person experiencing it, and for the witness. You know what I mean because we all have those people we admire, who don't seem to see themselves in the same light we do. 

Okay, WAIT, stop.  I set out to write about me today, to do it free-write style, with little editing. I set out to actually embody the experience of imperfectionism, if you will. 

So, bear with me, this is what I wanted to say:

I'm certain that the big P is why I haven't written consistently for so long. Okay, initially I stopped because pregnancy stole my attention span, and then mama life, BUT at the same time there entered an epidemic of 3 things you should do if...5 things you should know about..wellness-related content. I found it dizzying and sometimes empty. When it isn't I like it and share it with you on my Facebook page. But I'll admit, for a minute there, I thought I had to do that or  do nothing.

Also, lots, and I mean LOTS of niche therapist marketing came on the scene like a tidal wave telling me about the right way to do this and the best way to do that, and my response was to shut my ears and computer and just do good direct work with my clients. 

I have a touch of rebellious spirit, and when I'm told what to do, I, I sometimes stop listening altogether. Like any number of character traits, it's at times helpful (prevents the blind following of things that don't feel right) and sometimes hindering (leads to missing out on certain possibilities).

Luckily with self-awareness we get to work with such traits, turn the volume up and down, as appropriate. We get to build discernment into our lives. Here is a good place to mention that #therapycanhelp

Anywho, I'm a bit embarrassed to say it, but I lost my momentum and thought I had to think of the Right way to pick it back up. But I know no such thing exists.  

The truth is I have some things to say, and however long it takes me to organize them, I'm back, starting with imperfect posts, and we'll see where we go from there. 

Separate and unrelated, but while I have your ear, I wanted to share my latest wellness pick-me-up. I've been doing a 5-minute meditation upon waking up. I use Insight Timer, but there are plenty of others too. (check out my resource page for more recs). It's a great way to start the day feeling grounded, and it's pants optional. So there's that.

Okay, all for now. 

Yours in wellness, self-care and compassion,

Shana

Have a question or comment? Feel free to share in the comments section.
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​Think I may be the right fit for you or a loved one? Feel free to email me at contact@shanaaverbach.com or call 415-963-3546.