Perfectionism, Rebelliousness, and other Traits That Bite You in the Ass

I"ve written about hypocrisy before, and also about my personal experience forgetting to attune to my own needs, waiting, like so many until I'm feeling super low/immobilized/crazypants.

But one of thing I've yet to mention is that nasty P word ; Perfectionism. Oh how I loathe thee, because you're so damn stifling. You get in the way of good-enough-ness, you stop things before they ever really start. You're as critical as the day is long. Like the last-day-of school-long,  or your-toddler-is exercising-his-free-will-via-throwing-himself-on-the-ground-in-response-to-all-your-offers-of-the-wrong-food-and-your partner-has-to-work-late-long.

Perfectionism is a bit misunderstood, because it's not about something being perfect per se; it's about you not being good enough unless and until you've figured out the exact right version of something, whether that be a response to someone, the creation of a product, or the a role you are playing. 

It's a set up to never accept what is. Which is unfortunate, cause that's where all the good stuff lives. 

I'd say perfectionism is at the crux of many of my clients' struggles, thereby making me (this is going to be the cheesiest thing I've ever said, but in the name of giving less f*#@*s. down with OPP - other people's perfectionism. 

As a person who specializes in working with high functioning women who are invisibly experiencing anxiety and depression, it's no surprise that these tendencies show up.

Every week I sit across from these amazing individuals who have accomplished so many things in some of the big life domains: education, occupation, relationships, friendships, family life, and still have a sense that they are doing life wrong in some way. 

So we greet the experience, develop compassion together, find and activate a more authentic way to operate, and round out the story. It helps, but it's hard until it isn't anymore - for the person experiencing it, and for the witness. You know what I mean because we all have those people we admire, who don't seem to see themselves in the same light we do. 

Okay, WAIT, stop.  I set out to write about me today, to do it free-write style, with little editing. I set out to actually embody the experience of imperfectionism, if you will. 

So, bear with me, this is what I wanted to say:

I'm certain that the big P is why I haven't written consistently for so long. Okay, initially I stopped because pregnancy stole my attention span, and then mama life, BUT at the same time there entered an epidemic of 3 things you should do if...5 things you should know about..wellness-related content. I found it dizzying and sometimes empty. When it isn't I like it and share it with you on my Facebook page. But I'll admit, for a minute there, I thought I had to do that or  do nothing.

Also, lots, and I mean LOTS of niche therapist marketing came on the scene like a tidal wave telling me about the right way to do this and the best way to do that, and my response was to shut my ears and computer and just do good direct work with my clients. 

I have a touch of rebellious spirit, and when I'm told what to do, I, I sometimes stop listening altogether. Like any number of character traits, it's at times helpful (prevents the blind following of things that don't feel right) and sometimes hindering (leads to missing out on certain possibilities).

Luckily with self-awareness we get to work with such traits, turn the volume up and down, as appropriate. We get to build discernment into our lives. Here is a good place to mention that #therapycanhelp

Anywho, I'm a bit embarrassed to say it, but I lost my momentum and thought I had to think of the Right way to pick it back up. But I know no such thing exists.  

The truth is I have some things to say, and however long it takes me to organize them, I'm back, starting with imperfect posts, and we'll see where we go from there. 

Separate and unrelated, but while I have your ear, I wanted to share my latest wellness pick-me-up. I've been doing a 5-minute meditation upon waking up. I use Insight Timer, but there are plenty of others too. (check out my resource page for more recs). It's a great way to start the day feeling grounded, and it's pants optional. So there's that.

Okay, all for now. 

Yours in wellness, self-care and compassion,

Shana

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​Think I may be the right fit for you or a loved one? Feel free to email me at contact@shanaaverbach.com or call 415-963-3546.