Oops I Did It Again

Welcome to what I never imagined would be my first blog post.

I have so many things to share with you—a million depression and anxiety interventions worth a try (maybe two), easy ways to dig into positive psychology, humbling true stories, grad school advice, food for thought and mood. You name it, I've thought about it, geeked out on researching it, chatted with many people about it, and tried to experience it in some way. A true psychology and holistic health nerd and helper type, I am.

My latest kick is herbal remedies. It's really hard to have a conversation with me lately without getting an enthusiastic description of Osha Root or Reishi mushrooms or Ashwaganda (thank you winter herb class I took last month at the San Francisco Botanical Medicine Clinic). The other day I offered unsolicited advice to a stranger at Pharmaca about an herbal feminine product (well, she asked for feedback, just not from me per se). There are just so many accessible healing avenues to take and I can't wait to hopefully shine some light on the road.

But in this moment I'm feeling compelled to confess what a hard time I've been having. Like a paralyzing hard time.

A year and some change ago I experienced an avalanche of major life events. In the fall of 2011, I passed my clinical licensing exam and got engaged two weeks later.

A few months later, just before the new year, I lost Charlotte, the therapist who had guided me off-and-on since I was 18 years old, to cancer.

That spring I celebrated my only sibling's marriage, and shortly thereafter my first niece was born. Mid-summer, after a tumultuous bout of both medical and psychological issues, my grandmother fell extremely ill and the family converged in the suburbs of Chicago to be with her as she breathed her last breath.

My uncle had fallen into a coma at that same time. I flew home.

I decided to leave my job of five years.

My uncle died. I started a new job.

One of my closest friend's father died.

I got married.

Now, there is a whole lot of 'yay' within this 'boo' but transition is transition is life stressor is change, and each item, whether “good” or “bad” was loaded with history and questions and was headed in bold print: YOU ARE GROWN AND EVERYTHING FROM HERE ON OUT WILL BE SERIOUS AND AND PERMANENT AND LIFE ALTERING, and I think this erroneous story lingered. While this was all happening, I had an overwhelming desire to press pause, to yell stop, to sob in the shower for a full 30 minutes.

In any case, the world kept on turning, and I joined it, feeling a lot better actually. 

Being that there is no such pause, stop, or eject button that I am aware of, and knowing that neither water heaters nor cathartic moments grow on trees, I am having to slow things down in subtler ways, while trying to catch up with myself and process all that has been happening.

How am I doing this? On good days, I try to incorporate movement into my schedule, usually in the way of walks, ideally within nature. I am trying to reactivate my meditation practice and find that my Simply Being app is a great help with that, whether I can commit to five minutes or more. I also recently discovered the Transform Your Life app, which offers a daily mindfulness/self-compassion reading. 

I've been reintroducing myself to affirmations (whether I believe them or not), and use them if I have noisy moments while trying to sleep or upon waking. I am talking with my supports, celebrating all the goodness that surrounds me (e.g., amazing husband, family, friends, world's cutest baby niece) and actively trying to manifest whatever it is that I need, but I tell you, some days are really hard. 

And the moment I decided to start addressing these issues more deliberately is the moment I decided to share this experience. I wrote an essay almost five years ago about how I believe we are conditioned to consider suffering normal and advocating that we need to be much more careful about that.

​ I'm ready to heed my own advice and forgive myself for forgetting it in the first place (er, again). Cause after all, there is whole lot of good work to do (insert oh-so-true cliche about fastening your oxygen mask before helping others).

Welcome to my blog, where, unbeknownst to me, I wanted to start with the messier stuff.