I was flying high on pride when the dentist's office called to schedule my follow up visit. Several hours earlier, I had gone in for a check-up and cleaning after nearly a decade of avoidance. 

You see, despite the fact that I had a gaping hole in one tooth and obvious discomfort in others, I had let fear guide my judgment–fear of pain, discomfort, a repeat of past experiences, and the anticipation of a shaming conversation called “you need 15 fillings, seven root canals, and what-is-wrong-with-you-that-you-would-let-this-go-so-far”? 

I must have thought I couldn't handle it.

Going in showed me that thought was erroneous. I could absolutely handle it through the discomfort and the tears (yes, I wept, reassured the kind staff, and carried on). It also gave me the opportunity to experience something other than my worst case scenario, which is often the only picture hanging in our minds when fear is in charge of decorating.

Although I did need a lot of work done, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. What I didn't even bother fearing is what the receptionist told me after we scheduled my appointment. “For your upcoming visit, your total cost will be $900.” The cost for everything I needed would be close to $2000. 

“Ouch,” I told the woman before confirming that I'd be there (trust me, I scanned my brain for ways to use this as another excuse not to come back).

But I flashed to the moment earlier in the day when I handed over a worn five dollar bill to cover the routine visit. I quickly calculated that I'd be spending $1900 more than 10 years worth of biyearly co-payments for visits that could directly prevent these very issues from coming into existence.

And just like that, I thought “F*#k my fear. I can't afford it.”

I had been trying to take a more gentle, trauma-informed approach to this issue, but as soon as I switched the lens to a monetary one, something shifted in me, and I knew (I know) that I will continue to face this fear. Let's look at a few ways that fear picks our pockets and how we can intervene to lessen our losses.

1. My dentist example mirrors many others in the medical domain. While they don't always talk about it openly, often people avoid the doctor—whether dodging routine visits, ducking blood tests, or not being honest about symptoms—for fear of what they will learn. The worst case scenario motif in this case usually involves an incurable disease.

Sometimes this avoidance will be okay; The symptoms are innocuous, the person is generally healthy. Other times issues will exist and grow and cost more than they would have if they had been addressed earlier. At its very worst, this type of fear can bring us to the place where it's too late for a medical intervention.

What can you do instead? Hang out in the worst case scenario gallery. Ask yourself what you would do if your worst fear came true. What would be your plan to deal with it? Who would be your support system?

Or think of a time when you had to adjust to something difficult. How did you do it? We often forget just how adaptable we are. Positive psychologists, who focus on human strengths, continually find that people underestimate their ability to get used to things.

Now that you've conjured up images of effectively coping, see if it's easier to take the first step. (And here's a big bonus: When you do show up, there's a good chance the worst case situation won't be there.)

2. Fear blocks us from taking the risks often required to earn more money. Think of the promotion you won't go for or the more appealing and lucrative career change that is too daunting to let in to your consciousness. Think of the inner voice of fear saying things like “I won't get it, why even bother.” Or, “There are other people far more qualified than me.” 

But what if either of these changes would bring you $5000 to $20,000 more per year, or more, and you've been avoiding these changes for a a mere three years? I don't know about you, but I can think of plenty of things to do with an additional $15,000 to $60,000, annually.

So how can you stand up to that voice? Think of all the ways that you do qualify. Scroll back and think of every piece of positive feedback that's ever come your way, whether you believed it at the time or not. 

Think of specific examples of work you have done that stands out. Write these things down and see if your “evidence” is enough to suade you to reconsider your stance.

Alternately, recall the times that people who are not, in your view, very adept, but are outwardly confident got the promotion, got the raise. This feels a bit immature as I write it, but it also feels extremely true and important. Regardless of skill level, the people who are willing to go for things are always in a better position to get them, plain and simple. Wouldn't you be doing a service to everyone to plug in your concrete examples of skilled goodness into the next level of work?

If you truly are left with the feeling that you aren't ready—that it isn't fear, but a simple truth—take the steps to prepare you for the next time an opportunity arises (e.g., take a class, find a mentor, etc.).

3. Fear leads us to purchase things we may not need. Think car rentals where we purchase insurance even though we are already insured. Think baby product industry where the edge of informed parenting is on a slippery slope down which you can fall into a pit of purchases you don't need—from buying every single book on parenting you see to insisting on the Cadillac of strollers instead of the perfectly good Toyota.

The latter example can also be seen in other phase-of-life purchases made because we want to keep up with what society says we should be doing. Think purchasing a house or car that you cannot actually afford.

I know this is quite a spectrum of stuff that may range from 25 to hundreds of thousands of dollars. And I should add that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with wanting any of these things. But what they all have in common is the in-the-moment perception that we must have them, or else _____________. No matter what you put in that blank space, it is likely a statement about fear.

So how can you buy some time? Do just that. Do whatever research you need to do before you get in the car rental line, the real estate office, or the baby registry zone. Get an idea about what you truly need, based on your values, your budget, and your bigger picture timeline. 

Talk to people you know and trust before those who are in a position to sell you something. And when you are before the sellers take all the time you need to ask clarifying questions. And don't forget one of the first words you ever learned: “No.”

I've been back to the dentist twice since that initial visit and it's amazing how my comfort level grows each time. The cost is a bummer, but I know it's finite. It's like the decision to seek support in any way. I'm not only investing in my health, but in my ability to change how I show up to different situations. And that to me is priceless. 

I was pretty nerdy-excited to overhear a couple arguing about personality types the other night. 

The woman, who identifies as an introvert, excitedly said how valuable it is to know such things about yourself, especially when conflict arises.

The guy was adamant that these things are "bullshit" and he "hates how people use that type of explanation as a crutch." 

As they went back and forth, I pieced together (pretending they were using "I statements" instead of speaking in generalities) that she would like him to understand her natural way of being so he doesn't take certain actions personally, and he would like her to stay open to thinking/feeling a different way, so that the door stays open to multiple possibilities. 

I got the sense that things felt closed down and out of his control when framed in these popular psychology terms. Like maybe she would say things like, "I can't go to your business dinner. I'm an introvert." He used the word bullshit a lot.

It took everything in me to not turn around and tell them about the very un-bullshitty reliability of the Myers-Briggs personality inventory, in which introversion/extroversion is one of the scales, along with three others, how it's likely to reveal the same results across your lifetime (that's right, take it when you're 18 and again at 40 and it's likely to yield the same results), and how it's one of the few tools employers have been using for years for employee development.  [You can take the test here for free, as I go on to editorialize...]

But most importantly, understanding that people interact with the world, make decision, and process information differently often serves to help relationships - with self and others - not hinder them (perhaps finding a shared interest and language for such exploration would be helpful for that couple, but that's a whole other topic).

For example some people have a hard time moving into action about something (whether choosing a sandwich or a potential mate) without having lots of options and flexibility and others just decide. Each side can frustrate the hell out of the other, especially when collaborative decision making is required. But knowing the other is going through their legitimate process can soften the frustration a bit. 

Some people have to say aloud most of their thoughts in order to make sense of them and some need to go within. The day I realized this was true I felt such a relief, as a certain kind-and-lovely family member of mine is very much like this, and I just happen to be to the type to really listen to what a person is saying. As you can imagine, I felt irritated and like my boundaries weren't being respected, because at any given time he or she would start sounding off, regardless of what I was doing. But knowing that he or she just needed to get the words out of his or her brain allowed me to appropriately tune out. In this case, a listener wasn't required. The irritation melted away.

And then there's the introvert-extrovert thing, which has been getting a lot of social media buzz these days. Just knowing whether you generate energy from more solitary versus socially interactive settings helps you balance your energy levels. It took me YEARS to realize I am somewhat of an introvert, likely because I am pretty sociable and have always chosen to work with people. Now I realize that regardless of those characteristics, I absolutely have to counterbalance my interactive time with alone time in order to function, period. 

Before I framed it in these terms, I had less of an explanation for the exhaustion I felt at times. And when we don't have an understanding/words for things, we can go to scarier places (but I suppose that's another subject too!).

So I would encourage you, as I have many a client, to explore your personality type. Knowing where you fall on these personality continuums can be a great step in not only getting to know yourself better, but also understanding the people around you. The self-knowledge will give you a boost, no crutch required. 

I have long believed that you don't always have to buy in to different self-growth strategies in order for them to work. I hold on to this belief because of feedback from clients who tried and/or modified tools even when they weren't sold on them, from friends who did the same, and of course, from doing this myself. 

Why do I bring this up? Because I'm going to go ahead and recommend that you go into a bathroom stall before your next job interview and stand like a bear for two minutes. 

Okay, technically, it's called "power posing" and if you carve out 20 minutes to watch this Ted talk given by social psychologist Amy Cuddy you will learn all about it.

The main takeaway, based on the guiding belief that "Our bodies change our minds, and our minds can change our behavior, and our behavior can change our outcomes," is that we can present ourselves as more confident without necessarily feeling that way, and by doing so we will induce confidence.

Remember, the prescription is for a two-minute exercise that might help you land a job. So what do you have to lose? Check it out:

Feeling like you need more than a power pose to feel like your best self? Connect to support today!