 Don't worry, I won't be listing out eighteen-hundred anythings, but 1,825 is the number of entries you get when you decide to list five things you are grateful for...each day...for a year, which is the practice I started in the Spring of 2009.
With gratitude season upon us, and resolutions (I call them intentions) on the horizon, I thought I would share a few things I learned from this exercise, one that I see as absolutely pivotal to my sense of growth, optimism, and meaning. [For those whose minds have already raced ahead to thinking oy, 5 a day is a lot or pssht, a gratitude practice is just for Oprah or Stuart Smalley, and are on the verge of turning to a celebrity blog or the latest brief upworthy post, I urge you to wait. I do think that this practice is so very worth a shot for everyone, and that is why I'm sharing, but I do not think it has to exceed say, 2-3 items a day, nor does it have to represent a voice that is not your own. As long as it's a practice. And don't worry, the voice of doubt – often present to protect us – is included below as well.] So here we go: 1. If ever I lose sight of my values - those driving life forces - I can always find them in my personal inventory of gratitude data. Themes emerged quickly as I sifted through the info and they can be narrowed down to several categories, including: Human connection: Friends, family, coworkers, and acquaintances were all up in my journal – from my inner circle and immediate family to a tow truck driver with whom I had one conversation, to my acupuncturist (and her whole crew actually). I was grateful for gestures, shared experiences, and for being the recipient of good news. Meaningful work: Gratitude all over the place for people allowing me to witness their challenges, their growth, and their stories overall. Also for professional development. Also for increased confidence over time. Sensory experiences: Hot showers, smooth sheets, warm air, hearing poetry, feeling safe, sunlight, and – I won't give it its own category, even though the sheer volume of entries would warrant it – FOOD. Goodness, I got specific. Lots of comfort food, soups galore. Chocolate cake came up a lot. So did guacamole. Overcoming obstacles: Having the ability to speak even while fighting tears, thinking of alternate solutions, talking myself down or away from anxiety, recognizing my limitations and accommodating them, pushing through when tested, abstaining from dessert (go figure). But I already know my values, you say. Yes, you sure do. I do too, especially when I'm at my best. But on a bad day, I tell ya, the amnesia shows up, and it's strong, isn't it? These life categories can be nudges towards an action to take (e.g., phone a friend, take a hot bath, etc.) or mere reminders of gratitude past (e.g., that perfect guacamole, conversation, etc.) 2. No matter what happens I can always “re-frame” my experiences. Re-frames – or looking at a situation in a way that accentuates something different than you would first notice - are deserving of their own post. They are the thing people arrive at when they suddenly feel different, better, or less oppressed by something. And they can be cultivated. I conveyed gratitude for having a head to ache, having feet to be sore, having people to lose, the prospect of my neighbor not snoring, and the realization that I hadn't been recharging. But if you express gratitude for unpleasant things, aren't you just lying to yourself? Absolutely not. Unlike their counterparts (focusing on the pain, for example), these reframes recognize the experience, but highlight perspective and hope. If this material wasn't part of a practice, there is no way I would have thought to experience it as anything other than what I felt in that precise moment. Re-frames also showed up as exceptions: For difficult times or experiences. Of course an argument would feel bad when you typically get along with someone. Of course feeling achy will suck against the backdrop of feeling well. But “of course” gets lost in our daily experiences when we aren't mindful of them. Valuing the yuck that stands out the most is highly valuable in this practice if it brings your awareness to the yum you may take for granted. [And by the way, we all have (to varying degrees) what has been deemed a “negativity bias,” meaning our brains naturally gravitate towards negative things – likely to protect us from (perceived) danger. Positive psychologists have narrowed down the antidote to a 3:1 ratio – that is three positives to one negative to balance things out. So if you are considering this practice in any form, three may be your magic number.] And finally... 3. I do not believe that finding the love of my life almost precisely six months into this gratitude exercise was an accident (In fact, we had actually met a numerous times before truly meeting.). If you had asked me how I would like to be in when I found the person I would spend the rest of my life with, I would have said I would like to know myself well – how I relate to people, what I like, where I'm confident, and where I...well, need to do a lot of re-framing. I would like to feel strong in my ability to overcome obstacles and to see things in different lights. I would like to know where I stop and he begins. See, people throw around phrases like “you have to be okay with yourself before you can be okay with someone else,” and I don't know about you, but that always sounded very abstract to me. How will I know I'm okay? What will that look and feel like? This practice was one way that I accidentally concretized it, setting in the presence of positivity, focus, and purpose. And love is just one slice of the pie. Could we not all benefit from showing up to everything in this life with these elements? Goodness knows, I feel wobbly at times – negative, flappable, lost – but having gratitude is anchoring to what is important to my core. But what if I try something like this and I still don't find the things I am looking for in life? Aah, the question of the hour. What if this try doesn't "work."? Well, there are no guarantees, but there's a chance you'll see positive side effects from the effort as much as the end result. But more than that, I really hate to see fear getting the last word in any argument, much less one involving self-growth. Fear, like doubt and our negativity bias overall, serves to shield us from all kinds of risks. But like an overprotective parent, it can also keep us from important felt experiences that help us understand our strengths and limitations. Perhaps your first item can be gratitude for the fear's intentions? I just hope you won't stop there. [And you know, if any voice of protection tells you to bolster your support before trying this or any DIY emotional health exercise OR you try and still feel stuck or particularly steeped in the negativity, perhaps reaching out for peer or professional support will help.] So there you have it. I would like to take this moment to express gratitude for each and every set of eyes that grazes my words. I give thanks to you.  I've been so excited to see the recent social media buzz about Louis C.K.'s Conan interview. While I feel like I showed up late to the LCK party, I've been making up for it over the past several months, watching his stand-up specials and stringing weeknights together with short episodes of his TV series.
I wouldn't say I'm obsessed with him per se (partially because I don't think people belong on pedestals, partially because I think neither he nor my husband would appreciate it), but it took about 10 minutes of listening to him for me to decide that he's funny in a way I want to take seriously and he's smart in a way that feels important to our culture. Diving into his material has felt like research to help back that theory (how's that for a justification for watching TV?). This is what I've come up with so far (warning: this post is PG, but links lead to R-rated content that's pretty vulgar and 1000% inappropriate for minors): 1. To start, as many are aware, LCK can summarize empathy, mindfulness and existentialism in a 5-minute late night interview. Seriously, what a gift. He describes the need to have contact with people in order to understand how we affect them, the importance of being present in a moment without reaching for a superficial distraction, and summarizes the human experience of sitting within a deep feeling of existential sadness—the fleeting, but nonetheless painful loneliness that we can feel by virtue of being human. He does this all while making you LOL. Professors, yogis, and other sage leader types, take heed. Sometimes I think people complicate explanations of very simple (and relatable!) experiences. Not this guy. The end result? More people get the message. 2. Speaking of general human experience, one of the things I know to be truest in this world is that when we have a fixed way of thinking about how things are “supposed to be,” we miss out on the wonderful complexities of our version of this one life. LCK demonstrates that life is as it is, with it's beauty, disgust, happiness, sadness, success, failure, and everything in between. And it's better at some times versus others. He talks of divorce, parenting, aging, dating, friendship, the behavior of children, privilege, driving, you name it, with an honesty that captures the REALITY of the subject. His values are palpable, continually returning to the subject of trying to “do the right thing” and be “a good person,” but the packages these values come in are often a bit worn from wear (and almost always include a masturbation bit, but hey, this is his version). 3. And speaking of masturbation, LCK's character gives a voice to male self-consciousness and shame. Throughout his stand-up and his show he talks candidly (and often graphically) about his aging body. He reveals how compulsively he thinks about sex, even when he's simply wanting to take in the beauty of a woman. He shows scenes where he doesn't do the “manly thing,” where he doesn't quite know what to do; sometimes this happens in the presence of children, sometimes a love interest. All this has a take-me-as-I-am quality. It is what it is. It isn't news that women collectively have more of a platform to dialog about shame and self-consciousness. We get to talk among ourselves, to say the least. And even with the societal acceptance of talking about feelings, it can be excruciatingly hard to do. So much goes unprocessed, negativity goes inward. But men are silenced in an especially insidious way, experiencing their world—their bodies, drives, expectations—without being encouraged to process much at all. I think all of us, regardless of gender, are in danger of forgetting that the experiences are still there and can be very difficult to tolerate. Sometimes, in fact, they are so intolerable that they must be tempered with substances or acted out with aggression. Cheers to LCK for just putting your experiences out there and proving that not only can they be talked about, but that you can have them and still be accepted. Imagine a lunch date with him and Brené Brown. Seriously. I was flying high on pride when the dentist's office called to schedule my follow up visit. Several hours earlier, I had gone in for a check-up and cleaning after nearly a decade of avoidance.
You see, despite the fact that I had a gaping hole in one tooth and obvious discomfort in others, I had let fear guide my judgment–fear of pain, discomfort, a repeat of past experiences, and the anticipation of a shaming conversation called “you need 15 fillings, seven root canals, and what-is-wrong-with-you-that-you-would-let-this-go-so-far”? I must have thought I couldn't handle it. Going in showed me that thought was erroneous. I could absolutely handle it through the discomfort and the tears (yes, I wept, reassured the kind staff, and carried on). It also gave me the opportunity to experience something other than my worst case scenario, which is often the only picture hanging in our minds when fear is in charge of decorating. Although I did need a lot of work done, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. What I didn't even bother fearing is what the receptionist told me after we scheduled my appointment. “For your upcoming visit, your total cost will be $900.” The cost for everything I needed would be close to $2000. “Ouch,” I told the woman before confirming that I'd be there (trust me, I scanned my brain for ways to use this as another excuse not to come back). But I flashed to the moment earlier in the day when I handed over a worn five dollar bill to cover the routine visit. I quickly calculated that I'd be spending $1900 more than 10 years worth of biyearly co-payments for visits that could directly prevent these very issues from coming into existence. And just like that, I thought “F*#k my fear. I can't afford it.” I had been trying to take a more gentle, trauma-informed approach to this issue, but as soon as I switched the lens to a monetary one, something shifted in me, and I knew (I know) that I will continue to face this fear. Let's look at a few ways that fear picks our pockets and how we can intervene to lessen our losses. 1. My dentist example mirrors many others in the medical domain. While they don't always talk about it openly, often people avoid the doctor—whether dodging routine visits, ducking blood tests, or not being honest about symptoms—for fear of what they will learn. The worst case scenario motif in this case usually involves an incurable disease. Sometimes this avoidance will be okay; The symptoms are innocuous, the person is generally healthy. Other times issues will exist and grow and cost more than they would have if they had been addressed earlier. At its very worst, this type of fear can bring us to the place where it's too late for a medical intervention. What can you do instead? Hang out in the worst case scenario gallery. Ask yourself what you would do if your worst fear came true. What would be your plan to deal with it? Who would be your support system? Or think of a time when you had to adjust to something difficult. How did you do it? We often forget just how adaptable we are. Positive psychologists, who focus on human strengths, continually find that people underestimate their ability to get used to things. Now that you've conjured up images of effectively coping, see if it's easier to take the first step. (And here's a big bonus: When you do show up, there's a good chance the worst case situation won't be there.) 2. Fear blocks us from taking the risks often required to earn more money. Think of the promotion you won't go for or the more appealing and lucrative career change that is too daunting to let in to your consciousness. Think of the inner voice of fear saying things like “I won't get it, why even bother.” Or, “There are other people far more qualified than me.” But what if either of these changes would bring you $5000 to $20,000 more per year, or more, and you've been avoiding these changes for a a mere three years? I don't know about you, but I can think of plenty of things to do with an additional $15,000 to $60,000, annually. So how can you stand up to that voice? Think of all the ways that you do qualify. Scroll back and think of every piece of positive feedback that's ever come your way, whether you believed it at the time or not. Think of specific examples of work you have done that stands out. Write these things down and see if your “evidence” is enough to suade you to reconsider your stance. Alternately, recall the times that people who are not, in your view, very adept, but are outwardly confident got the promotion, got the raise. This feels a bit immature as I write it, but it also feels extremely true and important. Regardless of skill level, the people who are willing to go for things are always in a better position to get them, plain and simple. Wouldn't you be doing a service to everyone to plug in your concrete examples of skilled goodness into the next level of work? If you truly are left with the feeling that you aren't ready—that it isn't fear, but a simple truth—take the steps to prepare you for the next time an opportunity arises (e.g., take a class, find a mentor, etc.). 3. Fear leads us to purchase things we may not need. Think car rentals where we purchase insurance even though we are already insured. Think baby product industry where the edge of informed parenting is on a slippery slope down which you can fall into a pit of purchases you don't need—from buying every single book on parenting you see to insisting on the Cadillac of strollers instead of the perfectly good Toyota. The latter example can also be seen in other phase-of-life purchases made because we want to keep up with what society says we should be doing. Think purchasing a house or car that you cannot actually afford. I know this is quite a spectrum of stuff that may range from 25 to hundreds of thousands of dollars. And I should add that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with wanting any of these things. But what they all have in common is the in-the-moment perception that we must have them, or else _____________. No matter what you put in that blank space, it is likely a statement about fear. So how can you buy some time? Do just that. Do whatever research you need to do before you get in the car rental line, the real estate office, or the baby registry zone. Get an idea about what you truly need, based on your values, your budget, and your bigger picture timeline. Talk to people you know and trust before those who are in a position to sell you something. And when you are before the sellers take all the time you need to ask clarifying questions. And don't forget one of the first words you ever learned: “No.” I've been back to the dentist twice since that initial visit and it's amazing how my comfort level grows each time. The cost is a bummer, but I know it's finite. It's like the decision to seek support in any way. I'm not only investing in my health, but in my ability to change how I show up to different situations. And that to me is priceless.  I was once at work on one of those sweltering hot days for which San Francisco buildings are simply unequipped. We were all working in a sort of whiny slow-motion. Then our CEO went to the store and came back with ice-cream treats for the entire staff.
I carefully picked a Ben & Jerry's bar from the bag and ate it across from my supervisor and her ice cream sandwich. Our demonstrative enthusiasm quickly faded into that quiet contentedness unique to the act of eating ice cream. It was awesome. A few days later, on an equally hot day, in an equally ill-eqipped setting, I was at a work site in which the adolescent program participants and adults alike were disengaged. Energy was low, folks weren't doing what was expected of them, and a handful of participants left early. I was frustrated with the system as a whole and went to my office to take a breather. Outside my window sat the remaining participants, still on-site and adhering to expectations despite the heat and rampant checked-outedness surrounding them. Before I knew it I was three blocks away buying out the corner store of Choco tacos, Push-Pops, and Nestle Drumsticks. I came back to distribute the treats, watched faces light up, and then relished again in that familiar frozen treat silence. Now, this isn't the kind of thing I do all the time, but in this situation I was able to access an idea readily because I had the felt experience of being the recipient of the action. This happens all the time, likely on an unconscious level. Think of that person walking down the street smiling at you and seemingly the whole world. Sometimes that smile is infectious and you end up putting out the same energy (I know, I know, sometimes if you're in a certain mood, you wonder what the eff that person is so happy about. That's okay too). Sometimes, we receive a piece of advice and have the opportunity to pass it along to another person. Other times a person waits an extra 15 seconds to hold a door open for you and in an instant you remember to wait a bit longer for the next person. So in its most simple form this tool is a question to ask yourself: How can I pay it forward, whatever "it" may be? (perhaps you can pull from its cousin tool, Perform A Random Act of Kindness, the slight difference being that you hold it in your mind as something you do that the recipient might be able to do for someone else and this is what you suggest if they attempt to repay you) In addition, here is a website dedicated to an entire Pay It Forward Global Movement. And what do you know? There's an app for that. Just the thought of readers spending an extra 10 seconds paying something forward is pleasant and warming. And if you literal-minded folk end up buying someone some ice cream, well, I can think of gestures far, far worse.  "The truest greatness lies in being kind, the truest wisdom in a happy mind. -Ella Wheeler Wilcox
Assignment: Today, notice what comes between you and the happy mind of kindness. This above is one of the 365 awareness practice quotes/assignments sent right to your phone with the Transform Your Life app, also available in book form. These bite-sized pieces of food for thought are a great way to take pause and reflect. Some may resonate, some may not, but there are so many that something is bound to stick. Just using the reminder function, where "Transform Your Life" pops up on your screen once a day is a quick reminder of the power that we have over our own lives. I see it and I think, "okay"! The creator, Cheri Huber, is a Zen student and teacher, and has authored 19 books, including There is Nothing Wrong With You: Going Beyond Self-Hate (there's one for teens too!), and What You Practice is What You Have: A Guide to Having The Life You Want. I haven't read them (yet), but the titles are so great that I want them at eye level on everyone's book shelf, including my own!  So I've been telling anyone who will listen about Brené Brown's Ted Talks on vulnerability and shame. And every person who watches them comes back with a profound sense of something. Movement, perspective, inspiration, you name it. For me, the material just. makes. sense. and we can all relate.
But these are only two talks within the vast world of TED (which, by the way, is an acronym for Technology, Education, Design - the three domains that were integrated in the original annual conference). TED talks feature people from numerous fields - from writers to teachers to scientists to doctors - discussing recent work, ideas and innovations. The talks are meant to "stir your curiosity" and they do a good job. As a Wellness Tool, I recommend tapping into the free and accessible TED archives, where there is something interesting and inspiring for everyone. And because sometimes having too many options makes us choose none, here are several categories of (potential) interest: "happiness," "self," "inspiring," "productivity" Why not listen while you do chores are take a walk? I can personally attest to the fact that I no longer dread folding laundry ever since TED came into my life...  San Francisco is vibrating with the energy of human rights supporters. Two days ago thousands marched for same-sex marriage equality here, and a quick search tells me smaller marches took place around the globe. Then there's the cyberworld, which is visually showing its support with various images and symbols. It's pretty moving. I would say that actively supporting something you believe in is a Wellness Tool in and of itself. Between building community, fostering connection, and working towards something bigger and better for current and future generations, the enriching qualities of such movements are vast. But people's inclination to show support and to empathize with those with fewer rights than themselves also got me thinking about one of my favorite forms of meditation, called Metta, which translates to loving-kindness. It involves first bringing loving-kindness to yourself, and then sending it to other(s). Below is a snapshot (a more thorough guide can be found through the Metta Institute website), followed by a 30-minute guided video:
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