Okay, there may or may not be any actual shopping happening (although in this phase there likely is), but now that you’ve bothered to observe your triggers and allow for some feelings, you’re going to want to arm yourself with some tender, loving, possibly quite new ways of responding to yourself. You’re going to want to receive yourself the way a compassionate friend would. 

As a reminder, a compassionate response to: I’m hurting, I’m scared, I’m overwhelmed, I don’t know what to do, is not 

- Get over it.
- You’re making too big a deal of this.
-  A stronger person wouldn’t be so worried about all these things.
- There are way bigger problems in the world. 
- I wanted to get pregnant so I shouldn’t be upset about how I’m feeling.

No.

A compassionate way to respond would involve some warmth, kindness, and a reminder that you are not alone.

It would also allow for the transient nature of your feelings to shine through, as in, this is how you feel right now, not forever. Fun fact: an emotion typically runs its course in about 90 seconds; It’s the ruminative thinking that keeps the party going. 

So how does counseling get at this?

In its most simple form, counseling models the compassionate stance. You learn compassion by receiving it consistently and when you need it most.

Since you are doing your therapist the honor of sharing the thoughts you typically keep to yourself, you have the unique opportunity to get a witness. And in that space where you may judge your own feelings and think you are the only person on the planet in your situation, something different happens.

This person sitting before you doesn’t roll her eyes, tell you you’re a terrible person, and wish you good luck. She receives your hurt, validates the difficulty, and, in time, may gently invite a more balanced interpretation. 
She notices the critic in the room and doesn’t even need to squash her. She just asks if anyone else has an opinion to share, and that’s when your own wisdom and perspective gets to speak up. This is one example of how the scariness of vulnerability is matched by the comfort of being seen and accepted, just as you are. And then something different gets to happen.

This process is not unlike what you will do as a parent, a phase that is just around the corner, or already in play for those of you who are expecting or planning your next. The way our children learn that they are loved and safe is by having consistent, loving adults who can receive their feelings and experiences. This outside experience eventually is mirrored from within.

I know my clients have arrived at a place where there's room for compassion when they pause mid-sentence and say: “I’m not being very nice to myself right now.”

Then we open up to the compassionate friend. This opening is a skill to be practiced. 

So when your own inner mean girl pops up uninvited telling you how fat you look in those jeans and how lame you are for feeling overwhelmed, here are a few ways in and out of the therapy room you can reach out to your inner compassionate friend.

1. Actually pretend you are responding to someone you love tenderly, someone you wouldn’t want to see suffering.

Really. Bring forth the thought of such a person. Grab a pen, write it down.  I’ll wait. . . Okay, now imagine this person you love dearly is saying what you’re saying: 

I am tired all the time and my house is a mess. I’m the worst wife ever because I’m neglecting my husband, and I keep dropping the ball at work too. I feel like I’m failing at everything.

How would you respond? Would it sounds something like.

Oh hon, I can’t do anything when I’m feeling tired. I can imagine how hard it must be to feel that     way so often. You are being so hard on yourself because you care deeply about you relationship and your work. But you haven’t been fired from either, so ease up on yourself girlfriend. Do what you can. 

Now, consider that you are just a person who you don't want to see suffering, and practice turning this inward. 

2. Practice the Self-Compassion break.

This is my all time favorite tool from Kristin Neff, the Godmother of Self Compassion. In its most simple form it goes like this.:

Thinking about a situation that’s difficult, like a level 5 on a scale from 1-10 difficult (you don’t want to overwhelm yourself while you’re learning), and then placing a hand gently on your heart, your cheek, or anywhere else that’s comforting and saying some form of this. 

This is a moment of suffering,
and suffering is part of life,
May I be kind to myself in this moment.
May I give myself the compassion I need.


Or, check out this 5-minute facilitated practice. 

3. Name it to Tame it. Labeling what you’re feeling - in and of itself - can actually calm your system. This is another benefit to therapy, as you have some assistance with the naming, but you can certainly do it yourself.

When you start thinking about whether or not you are going to go back to work after baby comes and are suddenly weeping and googling and deciding that you’re f*&$ed either way, try this. Pause. PAUSE. And try to name the feeling.

You’re feeling SCARED that you aren’t going to figure out the right answer. You are feeling OVERWHELMED by this upcoming transition. 

Don't worry about doing anything with your observation. Just describe the feeling and let your nervous system rest in its experience of being understood. 

4. Breathe. I wanted this to be number one, but I was afraid you’d stop listening. But do this first. Breathe, into your belly, and out slowly. You got this, mama. 

Yours in wellness, self-care and compassion,

Shana
​
​Think I may be the right fit for you or a loved one? Feel free to email me at contact@shanaaverbach.com or call 415-963-3546 for a free 20-minute consultation call.

Happy Stress Reduction Month (apparently alive since 1992. Who knew?)! 

Since stress can creep into our physical and emotional health, our relationships, and our very ability to take care of ourselves, it isn't something to be taken lightly. Lucky for us there are many ways to tend to it, big and small. The latter is this week's wellness tool.

But since awareness is such a powerful first step, take this stress assessment offered through the Mayo Clinic website to help gauge your level of stress. Not in the mood? No problem. See below for stress reduction in... 

One second: Inhale the scent of lavender, in the form of fresh flowers, oil, or spray (some like to spray on their pillows before bed).

One minute: Sit silently in a comfortable space, eyes closed. Breathe slowly through your belly while counting your breaths.

One hour: Clean your living space. Consider that this hour of cleaning will free up space for you to relax in more...well, relaxing ways.

One day: Check out these upcoming very low-cost "Peace of Mind" day-long meditation retreats! For those in recovery, Zen Center is offering a day-long retreat  at their Green Gulch location May 5th. 

San Francisco is vibrating with the energy of human rights supporters. Two days ago thousands marched for same-sex marriage equality here, and a quick search tells me smaller marches took place around the globe.

Then there's the cyberworld, which is visually showing its support with various images and symbols. It's pretty moving. 

I would say that actively supporting something you believe in is a Wellness Tool in and of itself. Between building community, fostering connection, and working towards something bigger and better for current and future generations, the enriching qualities of such movements are vast.

But people's inclination to show support and to empathize with those with fewer rights than themselves also got me thinking about one of my favorite forms of meditation, called Metta, which translates to loving-kindness. It involves first bringing loving-kindness to yourself, and then sending it to other(s). Below is a snapshot (a more thorough guide can be found through the Metta Institute website), followed by a 30-minute guided video:

1. Find a comfortable position in a quiet space. Take a few deep breaths and invite your mind to be still.
2. Repeat silently to yourself, "May I be happy. May I be well. May I be safe. May I be peaceful and at ease."
3. Call to mind a person in your life (it's easier to start with someone who you care for and/or cares for you) and repeat silently to yourself, "May you be happy. May you be well. May you be safe. May you be peaceful and at ease."
4. (Optional) Repeat with other people, including those who are more difficult for you to appreciate.
5. Simply notice how it feels to invite these thoughts to yourself and to send them to others. Enjoy!

The other week I talked about reminding ourselves to "keep your eyes on your own work," a phrase I have repeated to myself numerous times since sharing, and one that others have reportedly found helpful. 

Inspired by this feedback (and the fact that it takes almost no time to try), today's Wellness Tool is an awareness mantra. A mantra is typically defined as either a phrase that's sacred and thought to invoke a spiritual power, or simply one that is repeated, so no matter what your belief system, using one can be helpful. The objective is to simply bring awareness to your thoughts, without judgment, and to greet them with a phrase. 

Now, I could go into the details of how our attachments to, judgments about, and erroneous stories created from our thoughts causes us undue suffering, but I actually don't think this would be necessary to start alleviating the ache (irritation, unease, blech) of that experience. If you have the desire to try something different, and have 3 seconds to spare, pause and repeat one of the following:

1. "I am not my thoughts."
2. "This is what it feels like to _____." (examples: This is what it feels like to worry, to have tense shoulders, to think too much, to suffer, etc.) This is inspired by Phillip Moffitt, Esquire CEO turned Buddhist practitioner and teacher whose daylong retreat I attended last year at Spirit Rock.
3. "Even though I _________, I accept myself completely." (examples: Even though I can't stop thinking about the mistake I made yesterday at work, I accept myself completely. Even though I gained five pounds, ...) This phrase (which is actually a kind of hybrid awareness mantra/affirmation) is the foundation phrase of Emotion Freedom Technique (EFT), an energy psychology technique involving tapping different areas of your body while saying specific statements. If this sounds a little too out there for you, fear not: In this context, it's a stand-alone sentence!

See how it feels to take pause and meet your thoughts with a kind and gently firm reminder. You will be surprised to find how many 3-second opportunities come your way every day...