A good night's sleep is one of the best avenues to improve overall health: Quality sleep leads to clear thinking (and less accidents!), weight management, better mood, and - important from the psychological perspective - the  ability to process information, thoughts, and experiences.  

It's not hard to see how those direct health benefits could then positively affect self-esteem and relationships as well.

While the sleep research is straight forward, the experience of having difficulty sleeping on an ongoing basis is even more clear: IT. FEELS. AWFUL. It is simply harder to go about your day when you are sleep deprived. A friend who's in the field of 0-5 mental health, working largely with new moms recently pointed out, "Sleep deprivation is a form of torture." Well said. 

As a recovering insomniac myself and a person who has helped numerous people find better relationships with sleep, I feel confident about the ability to change patterns - even those that have been with you for a while. Below is a recipe with items that you can truly mix and match to increase your chance of accessing quality sleep and reaping its benefits.

Ingredients:

1. Exercise (even lightly).
2. Acupuncture or acupressure
3. Decision to cut out or reduce caffeine intake (this may include coffee, chocolate, energy drinks, and caffeinated teas), especially in the later portion of the day. 
4. Herbal teas, such as chamomile, peppermint, valerian, and kava. There are plenty of common "sleepy time" mixes in grocery and health food stores.
5. Activities that stimulate your relaxation response, such as reading, meditating, stretching, putting your legs up the wall (or other restorative yoga exercises), or progressive muscle relaxation.
6. A hot bath with or without aromatherapy oils or salts*
7. A totally darkened room (if this is not possible, try a sleep mask)*
8. Sufficient warmth, especially for your feet*
9. A comfy relaxing space other than your bed
10. Journal

Recipe

During the day: Incorporate exercise into your daily routine or at least a few times per week. Add acupuncture or acupressure once a week specifically targeting this symptom (I'm a fan of Circle Community Acupuncture, but there are tons of others as well). Experiment with reducing or eliminating caffeine, as it's a stimulant. Alcohol and other drug use can impact sleep as well.

In the evening: Drink a calming tea a couple hours before you are wanting to go to bed (not too close to bed time, because waking up to pee isn't exactly relaxing). Instead of watching tv or being online, both activities that expose you to flashing lights and other stimulating material, incorporate a calming activity, one that sends the message to your body that it is okay to relax. Draw yourself a hot bath and soak for as long as it's comfortable.

At bed time: Make sure your sleeping space is free of clutter and light. Your brain needs darkness to really get the message that it's time for sleeping. Make sure that you are warm enough, adding blankets if necessary. 

Troubleshooting: If thoughts come up, tell yourself you can think them tomorrow. Write them down in your journal if you'd like. Try a progressive muscle relaxation recording or do it yourself by mentally scanning your body, slowly, from your toes to the crown of your head, scrunching your respective muscle groups then relaxing them and thinking "relax." If none of this draws you into sleep, go to another area away from your bed for a while. You don't want to associate your bed with a losing battle. 

As you experiment with different ingredients track your sleep patterns in your journal to see what is and is not working for you. 

If sleep continues to be an struggle, especially one involving repetitive thoughts, it might be time to start counseling to address the rumination and worries. Remember, just because you have "gotten used to" getting by with minimal sleep does not mean it's helping you function as your best self!  


* These items directly stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system (your body's relaxation machine) to kick in.

I was once at work on one of those sweltering hot days for which San Francisco buildings are simply unequipped. We were all working in a sort of whiny slow-motion. Then our CEO went to the store and came back with ice-cream treats for the entire staff.  

I carefully picked a Ben & Jerry's bar from the bag and ate it across from my supervisor and her ice cream sandwich. Our demonstrative enthusiasm quickly faded into that quiet contentedness unique to the act of eating ice cream. It was awesome.

A few days later, on an equally hot day, in an equally ill-eqipped setting, I was at a work site in which the adolescent program participants and adults alike were disengaged. Energy was low, folks weren't doing what was expected of them, and a handful of participants left early. I was frustrated with the system as a whole and went to my office to take a breather. 

Outside my window sat the remaining participants, still on-site and adhering to expectations despite the heat and rampant checked-outedness surrounding them. Before I knew it I was three blocks away buying out the corner store of Choco tacos, Push-Pops, and Nestle Drumsticks. I came back to distribute the treats, watched faces light up, and then relished again in that familiar frozen treat silence. 

Now, this isn't the kind of thing I do all the time, but in this situation I was able to access an idea readily because I had the felt experience of being the recipient of the action. 

This happens all the time, likely on an unconscious level. Think of that person walking down the street smiling at you and seemingly the whole world. Sometimes that smile is infectious and you end up putting out the same energy (I know, I know, sometimes if you're in a certain mood, you wonder what the eff that person is so happy about. That's okay too). 

Sometimes, we receive a piece of advice and have the opportunity to pass it along to another person. Other times a person waits an extra 15 seconds to hold a door open for you and in an instant you remember to wait a bit longer for the next person.

So in its most simple form this tool is a question to ask yourself: How can I pay it forward, whatever "it" may be? (perhaps you can pull from its cousin tool, Perform A Random Act of Kindness, the slight difference being that you hold it in your mind as something you do that the recipient might be able to do for someone else and this is what you suggest if they attempt to repay you)

In addition, here is a website dedicated to an entire Pay It Forward Global Movement. And what do you know? There's an app for that.

Just the thought of readers spending an extra 10 seconds paying something forward is pleasant and warming. And if you literal-minded folk end up buying someone some ice cream, well, I can think of gestures far, far worse. 

Moodiness, like many things, can range from feeling normal to totally out of control (I think I hear a lot of "amens" in the distance). Whether it's due to seasons, hormones, life circumstances, or anything else, when it feels like our moods are in the driver's seat, as opposed to our core selves, we tend to not feel as centered or in control. 

Senti is a new app that asks you questions that track your mood and then displays the results in graph form. The process has you reflecting on your experience and the resulting content is a simple visual image of your patterns. 

If you don't want to use the app, you can do a mood-tracking experiment on paper. Identify one to two (fixed) times per day to jot down how you feel, on a scale or 0 to 5, with 0 being "as bad as it gets" and 5 being "couldn't be better." You can add brief details about what you are doing or thinking about at the time you are rating yourself, but keep it simple.

Regardless of the medium, I think there is a great deal of power in identifying your patterns, as the next step might be finding strategies to alter your (predictably) lower times and/or bolster the high ones. See what you find out!

Have you ever noticed that the tone in your voice of reason changes when talking to yourself, that gentleness and patience kind of hide out while harshness and “Should” statements take over? Or perhaps you neglect your needs altogether, but expect others to tend to theirs, and maybe you even help them? This is one of the most common patterns I have seen over time and I am certainly guilty of it myself.

Today's tool carves out one area on which to focus intention, and gets you there by pretending you are advising someone else.

Think of an obstacle or area of “stuckness” that has been present for you lately, anything from eating junk food to staying in a toxic friendship to hating your job. Now, think about whether you have ever given advice to someone in this same situation on how to cope or move forward. If you haven't, imagine that someone you care about is having the same struggle. 

What have you told someone else, or what would you tell someone facing this challenge? What energy would you send his or her way while giving your input? Would it be kind and in a voice of compassion? Now take your own advice and invite the same tone. As the “yeah buts...” and the “it's different becauses...” come up, put them aside until next week.

For those of us who operate better with a concrete template, here it is:

I, Shana Averbach, do solemnly swear to follow my own advice in the area of exercising every day this week and doing one thing at a time. I will do so because I believe it will make me feel more relaxed and focused. 

This may be challenging, but it'll be great to see what shifts as you try!

I met a colleague for a walk several weeks back and when she suggested a hilly route, I paused (yes, the thought of an incline made me hesitate) and said, “Yeah, let's do it. I haven't been exercising lately.” Then she paused, and in a lighthearted way that didn't quite sound like the appropriate accusation that it was, exclaimed “I just read your blog post about exercise today.” “I know I know I know, it hasn't been that long,” I quickly inserted (it had been a week). “I just haven't been getting in as much as I would like.”

The very evening I wrote about mindful cooking, I botched some roasted veggies due to basic inattention and I may or may not have checked my email in the time it took for my sausage to grill.

And yesterday I ran into a lovely woman I haven't seen in forever and one of the first things she said was that she'd been keeping up with my blog and that she was finding it helpful, to which I responded “Oh-thank-you-so-much-I-totally-haven't-been-taking-my-own-advice-I'm-about-to-write-a-post-about-hypocrisy.”

Clearly accountability is on my mind. This is good.

See, the thing about caring for others in any way is that you must check to see if you are holding yourself to the same expectation and hopes as those for whom you provide support. Plain and simple.

Sometimes the misalignment is obvious. 10 years ago I was a coordinator for a mentoring program for children and adolescents. I worked in a building in the Tenderloin that had a youth center on the first floor with windows facing the street. There were always youth inside playing pool, doing homework, or just hanging out.

I was a smoker then and on one of my first days went outside for a cigarette. I didn't feel right about standing in front of the youth center smoking, so I walked around the block and tried to enjoy a short cigarette break. What I found during the five minutes I had left was that I was standing on a street with drug deals to my right and people nodding off to my left. It was hot and the air smelled of urine. I had a moment of clarity. If I don't want these kids to smoke and if I don't want them to see me smoking to the degree that I'll hang out in the middle of THIS, maybe I should stop smoking. So I did.

But sometimes the mismatching of norms for self-versus-other is more subtle. I know a lot of therapists who simply speak unkindly to themselves, leaving the voice of the self-critic to her own devices. There are those who fill their time to the brim while preaching time management, and those who self-medicate with substances, food, and/or harmful behaviors while exploring healthy decision-making with clients. Occasionally I'll meet a therapist or social worker who still has never been to therapy.

If this sounds familiar to you, congratulations. Why? Because every moment of recognition is a potential moment of intervention, and there's no time like the present.

Check out this Wellness Tool for a simple way to start.

And while I've been speaking to those in the helping profession, this same concept is true for everyone. We're all prone to put ourselves last at times or to not live by the lessons we expect others to learn from. (Anyone who has the pleasure of parenting a teenager knows that you can't really get away with this without the hypocrisy police being called. Save them the pleasure.) 

So I stand here in all my glorious confessions to take an unhypocritical oath and I invite YOU to join me.