 Don't worry, I won't be listing out eighteen-hundred anythings, but 1,825 is the number of entries you get when you decide to list five things you are grateful for...each day...for a year, which is the practice I started in the Spring of 2009.
With gratitude season upon us, and resolutions (I call them intentions) on the horizon, I thought I would share a few things I learned from this exercise, one that I see as absolutely pivotal to my sense of growth, optimism, and meaning. [For those whose minds have already raced ahead to thinking oy, 5 a day is a lot or pssht, a gratitude practice is just for Oprah or Stuart Smalley, and are on the verge of turning to a celebrity blog or the latest brief upworthy post, I urge you to wait. I do think that this practice is so very worth a shot for everyone, and that is why I'm sharing, but I do not think it has to exceed say, 2-3 items a day, nor does it have to represent a voice that is not your own. As long as it's a practice. And don't worry, the voice of doubt – often present to protect us – is included below as well.] So here we go: 1. If ever I lose sight of my values - those driving life forces - I can always find them in my personal inventory of gratitude data. Themes emerged quickly as I sifted through the info and they can be narrowed down to several categories, including: Human connection: Friends, family, coworkers, and acquaintances were all up in my journal – from my inner circle and immediate family to a tow truck driver with whom I had one conversation, to my acupuncturist (and her whole crew actually). I was grateful for gestures, shared experiences, and for being the recipient of good news. Meaningful work: Gratitude all over the place for people allowing me to witness their challenges, their growth, and their stories overall. Also for professional development. Also for increased confidence over time. Sensory experiences: Hot showers, smooth sheets, warm air, hearing poetry, feeling safe, sunlight, and – I won't give it its own category, even though the sheer volume of entries would warrant it – FOOD. Goodness, I got specific. Lots of comfort food, soups galore. Chocolate cake came up a lot. So did guacamole. Overcoming obstacles: Having the ability to speak even while fighting tears, thinking of alternate solutions, talking myself down or away from anxiety, recognizing my limitations and accommodating them, pushing through when tested, abstaining from dessert (go figure). But I already know my values, you say. Yes, you sure do. I do too, especially when I'm at my best. But on a bad day, I tell ya, the amnesia shows up, and it's strong, isn't it? These life categories can be nudges towards an action to take (e.g., phone a friend, take a hot bath, etc.) or mere reminders of gratitude past (e.g., that perfect guacamole, conversation, etc.) 2. No matter what happens I can always “re-frame” my experiences. Re-frames – or looking at a situation in a way that accentuates something different than you would first notice - are deserving of their own post. They are the thing people arrive at when they suddenly feel different, better, or less oppressed by something. And they can be cultivated. I conveyed gratitude for having a head to ache, having feet to be sore, having people to lose, the prospect of my neighbor not snoring, and the realization that I hadn't been recharging. But if you express gratitude for unpleasant things, aren't you just lying to yourself? Absolutely not. Unlike their counterparts (focusing on the pain, for example), these reframes recognize the experience, but highlight perspective and hope. If this material wasn't part of a practice, there is no way I would have thought to experience it as anything other than what I felt in that precise moment. Re-frames also showed up as exceptions: For difficult times or experiences. Of course an argument would feel bad when you typically get along with someone. Of course feeling achy will suck against the backdrop of feeling well. But “of course” gets lost in our daily experiences when we aren't mindful of them. Valuing the yuck that stands out the most is highly valuable in this practice if it brings your awareness to the yum you may take for granted. [And by the way, we all have (to varying degrees) what has been deemed a “negativity bias,” meaning our brains naturally gravitate towards negative things – likely to protect us from (perceived) danger. Positive psychologists have narrowed down the antidote to a 3:1 ratio – that is three positives to one negative to balance things out. So if you are considering this practice in any form, three may be your magic number.] And finally... 3. I do not believe that finding the love of my life almost precisely six months into this gratitude exercise was an accident (In fact, we had actually met a numerous times before truly meeting.). If you had asked me how I would like to be in when I found the person I would spend the rest of my life with, I would have said I would like to know myself well – how I relate to people, what I like, where I'm confident, and where I...well, need to do a lot of re-framing. I would like to feel strong in my ability to overcome obstacles and to see things in different lights. I would like to know where I stop and he begins. See, people throw around phrases like “you have to be okay with yourself before you can be okay with someone else,” and I don't know about you, but that always sounded very abstract to me. How will I know I'm okay? What will that look and feel like? This practice was one way that I accidentally concretized it, setting in the presence of positivity, focus, and purpose. And love is just one slice of the pie. Could we not all benefit from showing up to everything in this life with these elements? Goodness knows, I feel wobbly at times – negative, flappable, lost – but having gratitude is anchoring to what is important to my core. But what if I try something like this and I still don't find the things I am looking for in life? Aah, the question of the hour. What if this try doesn't "work."? Well, there are no guarantees, but there's a chance you'll see positive side effects from the effort as much as the end result. But more than that, I really hate to see fear getting the last word in any argument, much less one involving self-growth. Fear, like doubt and our negativity bias overall, serves to shield us from all kinds of risks. But like an overprotective parent, it can also keep us from important felt experiences that help us understand our strengths and limitations. Perhaps your first item can be gratitude for the fear's intentions? I just hope you won't stop there. [And you know, if any voice of protection tells you to bolster your support before trying this or any DIY emotional health exercise OR you try and still feel stuck or particularly steeped in the negativity, perhaps reaching out for peer or professional support will help.] So there you have it. I would like to take this moment to express gratitude for each and every set of eyes that grazes my words. I give thanks to you.  The other morning I went out for a walk and had to pass by my car that was parked on the street. In the distance I saw a piece of paper on my windshield and instantly braced myself for irritation.
My brain trotted ahead of me to ask all the pertinent questions: A ticket? A note saying sorry I ran into your car? A thoughtless gift of trash from a drunk passer-by? I approached the car and removed a faded newspaper from under the windshield. Scribbled across the front in green marker read, "Hi Shana and David. Love, Brad." A smile spread across my face, my body felt lighter. I held in my hand a dirty piece of proof that a friend took a moment out of his day to infuse a little kindness into mine. I carried that sentiment into the rest of my day. There are infinite ways to do this both with strangers and those you know, and the impacts can be great. This article from The Greater Good Science Center reveals a study in which recalling a kind or generous act led to increased happiness, and increased happiness led to more generosity. If I were to end this tool right here (offer a "take home message" as it were), I would say to never underestimate the power of a kind gesture. But I will go on to offer a few suggestions (and a link to about 300 more)... Simple starters might include feeding someone's meter that's running out or paying someone a compliment. If you have several bucks to spare consider paying the bridge toll for the car behind you (but make sure you're in the cash lane) or buy that Street Sheet from the vendor you might typically pass by. If you have several hours to spare and/or you aren't into random acts of things, but instead prefer to plan sign up for some volunteer work. One Brick, Volunteer Match, and The Volunteer Center are all easy places to start Keeping in mind the intention of committing kindness, see what just comes to you. But if you run out of ideas, here's a website dedicated exclusively to them... |
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