Okay, there may or may not be any actual shopping happening (although in this phase there likely is), but now that you’ve bothered to observe your triggers and allow for some feelings, you’re going to want to arm yourself with some tender, loving, possibly quite new ways of responding to yourself. You’re going to want to receive yourself the way a compassionate friend would. 

As a reminder, a compassionate response to: I’m hurting, I’m scared, I’m overwhelmed, I don’t know what to do, is not 

- Get over it.
- You’re making too big a deal of this.
-  A stronger person wouldn’t be so worried about all these things.
- There are way bigger problems in the world. 
- I wanted to get pregnant so I shouldn’t be upset about how I’m feeling.

No.

A compassionate way to respond would involve some warmth, kindness, and a reminder that you are not alone.

It would also allow for the transient nature of your feelings to shine through, as in, this is how you feel right now, not forever. Fun fact: an emotion typically runs its course in about 90 seconds; It’s the ruminative thinking that keeps the party going. 

So how does counseling get at this?

In its most simple form, counseling models the compassionate stance. You learn compassion by receiving it consistently and when you need it most.

Since you are doing your therapist the honor of sharing the thoughts you typically keep to yourself, you have the unique opportunity to get a witness. And in that space where you may judge your own feelings and think you are the only person on the planet in your situation, something different happens.

This person sitting before you doesn’t roll her eyes, tell you you’re a terrible person, and wish you good luck. She receives your hurt, validates the difficulty, and, in time, may gently invite a more balanced interpretation. 
She notices the critic in the room and doesn’t even need to squash her. She just asks if anyone else has an opinion to share, and that’s when your own wisdom and perspective gets to speak up. This is one example of how the scariness of vulnerability is matched by the comfort of being seen and accepted, just as you are. And then something different gets to happen.

This process is not unlike what you will do as a parent, a phase that is just around the corner, or already in play for those of you who are expecting or planning your next. The way our children learn that they are loved and safe is by having consistent, loving adults who can receive their feelings and experiences. This outside experience eventually is mirrored from within.

I know my clients have arrived at a place where there's room for compassion when they pause mid-sentence and say: “I’m not being very nice to myself right now.”

Then we open up to the compassionate friend. This opening is a skill to be practiced. 

So when your own inner mean girl pops up uninvited telling you how fat you look in those jeans and how lame you are for feeling overwhelmed, here are a few ways in and out of the therapy room you can reach out to your inner compassionate friend.

1. Actually pretend you are responding to someone you love tenderly, someone you wouldn’t want to see suffering.

Really. Bring forth the thought of such a person. Grab a pen, write it down.  I’ll wait. . . Okay, now imagine this person you love dearly is saying what you’re saying: 

I am tired all the time and my house is a mess. I’m the worst wife ever because I’m neglecting my husband, and I keep dropping the ball at work too. I feel like I’m failing at everything.

How would you respond? Would it sounds something like.

Oh hon, I can’t do anything when I’m feeling tired. I can imagine how hard it must be to feel that     way so often. You are being so hard on yourself because you care deeply about you relationship and your work. But you haven’t been fired from either, so ease up on yourself girlfriend. Do what you can. 

Now, consider that you are just a person who you don't want to see suffering, and practice turning this inward. 

2. Practice the Self-Compassion break.

This is my all time favorite tool from Kristin Neff, the Godmother of Self Compassion. In its most simple form it goes like this.:

Thinking about a situation that’s difficult, like a level 5 on a scale from 1-10 difficult (you don’t want to overwhelm yourself while you’re learning), and then placing a hand gently on your heart, your cheek, or anywhere else that’s comforting and saying some form of this. 

This is a moment of suffering,
and suffering is part of life,
May I be kind to myself in this moment.
May I give myself the compassion I need.


Or, check out this 5-minute facilitated practice. 

3. Name it to Tame it. Labeling what you’re feeling - in and of itself - can actually calm your system. This is another benefit to therapy, as you have some assistance with the naming, but you can certainly do it yourself.

When you start thinking about whether or not you are going to go back to work after baby comes and are suddenly weeping and googling and deciding that you’re f*&$ed either way, try this. Pause. PAUSE. And try to name the feeling.

You’re feeling SCARED that you aren’t going to figure out the right answer. You are feeling OVERWHELMED by this upcoming transition. 

Don't worry about doing anything with your observation. Just describe the feeling and let your nervous system rest in its experience of being understood. 

4. Breathe. I wanted this to be number one, but I was afraid you’d stop listening. But do this first. Breathe, into your belly, and out slowly. You got this, mama. 

Yours in wellness, self-care and compassion,

Shana
​
​Think I may be the right fit for you or a loved one? Feel free to email me at contact@shanaaverbach.com or call 415-963-3546 for a free 20-minute consultation call.

I was once at work on one of those sweltering hot days for which San Francisco buildings are simply unequipped. We were all working in a sort of whiny slow-motion. Then our CEO went to the store and came back with ice-cream treats for the entire staff.  

I carefully picked a Ben & Jerry's bar from the bag and ate it across from my supervisor and her ice cream sandwich. Our demonstrative enthusiasm quickly faded into that quiet contentedness unique to the act of eating ice cream. It was awesome.

A few days later, on an equally hot day, in an equally ill-eqipped setting, I was at a work site in which the adolescent program participants and adults alike were disengaged. Energy was low, folks weren't doing what was expected of them, and a handful of participants left early. I was frustrated with the system as a whole and went to my office to take a breather. 

Outside my window sat the remaining participants, still on-site and adhering to expectations despite the heat and rampant checked-outedness surrounding them. Before I knew it I was three blocks away buying out the corner store of Choco tacos, Push-Pops, and Nestle Drumsticks. I came back to distribute the treats, watched faces light up, and then relished again in that familiar frozen treat silence. 

Now, this isn't the kind of thing I do all the time, but in this situation I was able to access an idea readily because I had the felt experience of being the recipient of the action. 

This happens all the time, likely on an unconscious level. Think of that person walking down the street smiling at you and seemingly the whole world. Sometimes that smile is infectious and you end up putting out the same energy (I know, I know, sometimes if you're in a certain mood, you wonder what the eff that person is so happy about. That's okay too). 

Sometimes, we receive a piece of advice and have the opportunity to pass it along to another person. Other times a person waits an extra 15 seconds to hold a door open for you and in an instant you remember to wait a bit longer for the next person.

So in its most simple form this tool is a question to ask yourself: How can I pay it forward, whatever "it" may be? (perhaps you can pull from its cousin tool, Perform A Random Act of Kindness, the slight difference being that you hold it in your mind as something you do that the recipient might be able to do for someone else and this is what you suggest if they attempt to repay you)

In addition, here is a website dedicated to an entire Pay It Forward Global Movement. And what do you know? There's an app for that.

Just the thought of readers spending an extra 10 seconds paying something forward is pleasant and warming. And if you literal-minded folk end up buying someone some ice cream, well, I can think of gestures far, far worse. 

Have you ever noticed that the tone in your voice of reason changes when talking to yourself, that gentleness and patience kind of hide out while harshness and “Should” statements take over? Or perhaps you neglect your needs altogether, but expect others to tend to theirs, and maybe you even help them? This is one of the most common patterns I have seen over time and I am certainly guilty of it myself.

Today's tool carves out one area on which to focus intention, and gets you there by pretending you are advising someone else.

Think of an obstacle or area of “stuckness” that has been present for you lately, anything from eating junk food to staying in a toxic friendship to hating your job. Now, think about whether you have ever given advice to someone in this same situation on how to cope or move forward. If you haven't, imagine that someone you care about is having the same struggle. 

What have you told someone else, or what would you tell someone facing this challenge? What energy would you send his or her way while giving your input? Would it be kind and in a voice of compassion? Now take your own advice and invite the same tone. As the “yeah buts...” and the “it's different becauses...” come up, put them aside until next week.

For those of us who operate better with a concrete template, here it is:

I, Shana Averbach, do solemnly swear to follow my own advice in the area of exercising every day this week and doing one thing at a time. I will do so because I believe it will make me feel more relaxed and focused. 

This may be challenging, but it'll be great to see what shifts as you try!

The other morning I went out for a walk and had to pass by my car that was parked on the street. In the distance I saw a piece of paper on my windshield and instantly braced myself for irritation.

My brain trotted ahead of me to ask all the pertinent questions: A ticket? A note saying sorry I ran into your car? A thoughtless gift of trash from a drunk passer-by?

I approached the car and removed a faded newspaper from under the windshield. Scribbled across the front in green marker read, "Hi Shana and David. Love, Brad."

A smile spread across my face, my body felt lighter. I held in my hand a dirty piece of proof that a friend took a moment out of his day to infuse a little kindness into mine. I carried that sentiment into the rest of my day. 

There are infinite ways to do this both with strangers and those you know, and the impacts can be great. This article from The Greater Good Science Center reveals a study in which recalling a kind or generous act led to increased happiness, and increased happiness led to more generosity. 

If I were to end this tool right here (offer a "take home message" as it were), I would say to never underestimate the power of a kind gesture.

But I will go on to offer a few  suggestions (and a link to about 300 more)...

Simple starters might include feeding someone's meter that's running out or paying someone a compliment.

If you have several bucks to spare consider paying the bridge toll for the car behind you (but make sure you're in the cash lane) or buy that Street Sheet from the vendor you might typically pass by.

If you have several hours to spare and/or you aren't into random acts of things, but instead prefer to plan sign up for some volunteer work. One Brick, Volunteer Match, and The Volunteer Center are all easy places to start

Keeping in mind the intention of committing kindness, see what just comes to you. But if you run out of ideas, here's a website dedicated exclusively to them... 

San Francisco is vibrating with the energy of human rights supporters. Two days ago thousands marched for same-sex marriage equality here, and a quick search tells me smaller marches took place around the globe.

Then there's the cyberworld, which is visually showing its support with various images and symbols. It's pretty moving. 

I would say that actively supporting something you believe in is a Wellness Tool in and of itself. Between building community, fostering connection, and working towards something bigger and better for current and future generations, the enriching qualities of such movements are vast.

But people's inclination to show support and to empathize with those with fewer rights than themselves also got me thinking about one of my favorite forms of meditation, called Metta, which translates to loving-kindness. It involves first bringing loving-kindness to yourself, and then sending it to other(s). Below is a snapshot (a more thorough guide can be found through the Metta Institute website), followed by a 30-minute guided video:

1. Find a comfortable position in a quiet space. Take a few deep breaths and invite your mind to be still.
2. Repeat silently to yourself, "May I be happy. May I be well. May I be safe. May I be peaceful and at ease."
3. Call to mind a person in your life (it's easier to start with someone who you care for and/or cares for you) and repeat silently to yourself, "May you be happy. May you be well. May you be safe. May you be peaceful and at ease."
4. (Optional) Repeat with other people, including those who are more difficult for you to appreciate.
5. Simply notice how it feels to invite these thoughts to yourself and to send them to others. Enjoy!