Okay, there may or may not be any actual shopping happening (although in this phase there likely is), but now that you’ve bothered to observe your triggers and allow for some feelings, you’re going to want to arm yourself with some tender, loving, possibly quite new ways of responding to yourself. You’re going to want to receive yourself the way a compassionate friend would. 

As a reminder, a compassionate response to: I’m hurting, I’m scared, I’m overwhelmed, I don’t know what to do, is not 

- Get over it.
- You’re making too big a deal of this.
-  A stronger person wouldn’t be so worried about all these things.
- There are way bigger problems in the world. 
- I wanted to get pregnant so I shouldn’t be upset about how I’m feeling.

No.

A compassionate way to respond would involve some warmth, kindness, and a reminder that you are not alone.

It would also allow for the transient nature of your feelings to shine through, as in, this is how you feel right now, not forever. Fun fact: an emotion typically runs its course in about 90 seconds; It’s the ruminative thinking that keeps the party going. 

So how does counseling get at this?

In its most simple form, counseling models the compassionate stance. You learn compassion by receiving it consistently and when you need it most.

Since you are doing your therapist the honor of sharing the thoughts you typically keep to yourself, you have the unique opportunity to get a witness. And in that space where you may judge your own feelings and think you are the only person on the planet in your situation, something different happens.

This person sitting before you doesn’t roll her eyes, tell you you’re a terrible person, and wish you good luck. She receives your hurt, validates the difficulty, and, in time, may gently invite a more balanced interpretation. 
She notices the critic in the room and doesn’t even need to squash her. She just asks if anyone else has an opinion to share, and that’s when your own wisdom and perspective gets to speak up. This is one example of how the scariness of vulnerability is matched by the comfort of being seen and accepted, just as you are. And then something different gets to happen.

This process is not unlike what you will do as a parent, a phase that is just around the corner, or already in play for those of you who are expecting or planning your next. The way our children learn that they are loved and safe is by having consistent, loving adults who can receive their feelings and experiences. This outside experience eventually is mirrored from within.

I know my clients have arrived at a place where there's room for compassion when they pause mid-sentence and say: “I’m not being very nice to myself right now.”

Then we open up to the compassionate friend. This opening is a skill to be practiced. 

So when your own inner mean girl pops up uninvited telling you how fat you look in those jeans and how lame you are for feeling overwhelmed, here are a few ways in and out of the therapy room you can reach out to your inner compassionate friend.

1. Actually pretend you are responding to someone you love tenderly, someone you wouldn’t want to see suffering.

Really. Bring forth the thought of such a person. Grab a pen, write it down.  I’ll wait. . . Okay, now imagine this person you love dearly is saying what you’re saying: 

I am tired all the time and my house is a mess. I’m the worst wife ever because I’m neglecting my husband, and I keep dropping the ball at work too. I feel like I’m failing at everything.

How would you respond? Would it sounds something like.

Oh hon, I can’t do anything when I’m feeling tired. I can imagine how hard it must be to feel that     way so often. You are being so hard on yourself because you care deeply about you relationship and your work. But you haven’t been fired from either, so ease up on yourself girlfriend. Do what you can. 

Now, consider that you are just a person who you don't want to see suffering, and practice turning this inward. 

2. Practice the Self-Compassion break.

This is my all time favorite tool from Kristin Neff, the Godmother of Self Compassion. In its most simple form it goes like this.:

Thinking about a situation that’s difficult, like a level 5 on a scale from 1-10 difficult (you don’t want to overwhelm yourself while you’re learning), and then placing a hand gently on your heart, your cheek, or anywhere else that’s comforting and saying some form of this. 

This is a moment of suffering,
and suffering is part of life,
May I be kind to myself in this moment.
May I give myself the compassion I need.


Or, check out this 5-minute facilitated practice. 

3. Name it to Tame it. Labeling what you’re feeling - in and of itself - can actually calm your system. This is another benefit to therapy, as you have some assistance with the naming, but you can certainly do it yourself.

When you start thinking about whether or not you are going to go back to work after baby comes and are suddenly weeping and googling and deciding that you’re f*&$ed either way, try this. Pause. PAUSE. And try to name the feeling.

You’re feeling SCARED that you aren’t going to figure out the right answer. You are feeling OVERWHELMED by this upcoming transition. 

Don't worry about doing anything with your observation. Just describe the feeling and let your nervous system rest in its experience of being understood. 

4. Breathe. I wanted this to be number one, but I was afraid you’d stop listening. But do this first. Breathe, into your belly, and out slowly. You got this, mama. 

Yours in wellness, self-care and compassion,

Shana
​
​Think I may be the right fit for you or a loved one? Feel free to email me at contact@shanaaverbach.com or call 415-963-3546 for a free 20-minute consultation call.

Raise your hand if you've ever criticized yourself for having to sneeze. Oh, I'm sorry, did that sound ridiculous? 

Okay, raise your hand if you've ever criticized yourself for not being able to "get over" something, for not being tough/kind/flexible/resilient/giving enough, for simply, as the kids say "feeling your feels." 

Lots of virtual hands and nods, I know. Because it's our shared experiences. 

Today I'm going to talk to you about a few ways we respond to our stressors without necessarily knowing it. This will help you recognize the same or similar patterns in yourself. 

What we often don't realize is that the actual situation at hand and the way we are responding to it are two distinctly different things that happen to come in quick succession.

Being harsh on yourself about what just happens to be happening is both unfair and unhelpful.

We already talked about how pregnancy can offer a sometimes heightened sense of your feelings and how that can be useful if you can work with it. Part of that process involves getting to know your style of relating to your stress, which may include one of these three patterns.

A trigger shows up, BAM. Do you :

1. Try to ignore it or numb out (via work, television, substances)? When we do this we often overflow later (hello rage, anxiety, panic) for a seemingly unrelated reason. Or we may act passive aggressively. 

Elise just told Mila, who she considers a close friend that she’s 14 weeks pregnant and Mila barely registered a response, much less an enthusiastic one. Elise feels a momentary heavy feeling spread across her chest and then one second later changes the subject. In the car, she talks on the phone non-stop, and once home binge watches her favorite show Her husband arrives with takeout, but forgot Elise’s favorite item and she yells at him for being totally selfish and unsupportive. Oh, and she “accidentally” leaves Mila off her shower list. 

2. Notice you’re upset and then swiftly internally judge or berate yourself for it? 

Lorraine is 38-weeks pregnant and her mother-in-law just had the brilliant idea to come for a month-long visit, to be here for the arrival and to help in the first few weeks. Lorraine loves her MIL, but finds her to be a bit intrusive and judgmental. She knows clearly that this plan is a bad fit for her, but can’t shake the thoughts “This is such a generous offer, I must be so mean for wanting to turn it down, “I am so selfish for wanting these last few weeks for me and hubs and then for us and the baby.” 

3. Become all-consumed by the stressor, making it hard to tend to anything else? In this case, the internal message seems to be "If I think about this long enough the answer will appear," when really ruminating can be quite immobilizing. This is the type of relating to stress that is often present in those who have anxiety and/or depression - often with the addition of guilt and shame. It's painful. 

Sarah is excited to have become pregnant after close to a year of trying. She was excited for all of five minutes before starting to worry about labor. She looked some things up on the internet to ease her mind and it led her to have more questions. What will labor be like? Do I want an epidural or not? How am I ever going to do this? And then, how am I going to take care of this baby? In an almost trance-like state, she read and googled and thought and thought, and in an attempt to help herself feel better through information, she stopped engaging with friends and other interests. 

Any of these sound familiar to you?

​While they are all different, what these styles have in common is that there is a fundamental rejection of allowing for the feeling. And that rejection is causing more pain.

One benefit of counseling during pregnancy is that you get to identify your unique way of responding to your stressors, which can be so illuminating in and of itself. But there's also a bonus: You then get to choose a more helpful response. 

The next installment will focus on some options there - ones you certainly can use even if you don't make it into the therapy room! 

For right now, for this moment, go ahead and try this: Place one hand on your heart (another on your belly, if you wish). Feel the warmth this simple gesture creates. Rest in that warmth for just a moment.

Listen. Until you know that there are options for how you can respond to stress, life is going to feel like it’s happening to you instead of you feeling like you’re living your life, with a balanced combo of pleasant, neutral, and difficult experiences. 

Which would you prefer?

Yours in wellness, self-care and compassion,

Shana
​
​Think I may be the right fit for you or a loved one? Feel free to email me at contact@shanaaverbach.com or call 415-963-3546 for a free 20-minute consultation call.

I was flying high on pride when the dentist's office called to schedule my follow up visit. Several hours earlier, I had gone in for a check-up and cleaning after nearly a decade of avoidance. 

You see, despite the fact that I had a gaping hole in one tooth and obvious discomfort in others, I had let fear guide my judgment–fear of pain, discomfort, a repeat of past experiences, and the anticipation of a shaming conversation called “you need 15 fillings, seven root canals, and what-is-wrong-with-you-that-you-would-let-this-go-so-far”? 

I must have thought I couldn't handle it.

Going in showed me that thought was erroneous. I could absolutely handle it through the discomfort and the tears (yes, I wept, reassured the kind staff, and carried on). It also gave me the opportunity to experience something other than my worst case scenario, which is often the only picture hanging in our minds when fear is in charge of decorating.

Although I did need a lot of work done, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. What I didn't even bother fearing is what the receptionist told me after we scheduled my appointment. “For your upcoming visit, your total cost will be $900.” The cost for everything I needed would be close to $2000. 

“Ouch,” I told the woman before confirming that I'd be there (trust me, I scanned my brain for ways to use this as another excuse not to come back).

But I flashed to the moment earlier in the day when I handed over a worn five dollar bill to cover the routine visit. I quickly calculated that I'd be spending $1900 more than 10 years worth of biyearly co-payments for visits that could directly prevent these very issues from coming into existence.

And just like that, I thought “F*#k my fear. I can't afford it.”

I had been trying to take a more gentle, trauma-informed approach to this issue, but as soon as I switched the lens to a monetary one, something shifted in me, and I knew (I know) that I will continue to face this fear. Let's look at a few ways that fear picks our pockets and how we can intervene to lessen our losses.

1. My dentist example mirrors many others in the medical domain. While they don't always talk about it openly, often people avoid the doctor—whether dodging routine visits, ducking blood tests, or not being honest about symptoms—for fear of what they will learn. The worst case scenario motif in this case usually involves an incurable disease.

Sometimes this avoidance will be okay; The symptoms are innocuous, the person is generally healthy. Other times issues will exist and grow and cost more than they would have if they had been addressed earlier. At its very worst, this type of fear can bring us to the place where it's too late for a medical intervention.

What can you do instead? Hang out in the worst case scenario gallery. Ask yourself what you would do if your worst fear came true. What would be your plan to deal with it? Who would be your support system?

Or think of a time when you had to adjust to something difficult. How did you do it? We often forget just how adaptable we are. Positive psychologists, who focus on human strengths, continually find that people underestimate their ability to get used to things.

Now that you've conjured up images of effectively coping, see if it's easier to take the first step. (And here's a big bonus: When you do show up, there's a good chance the worst case situation won't be there.)

2. Fear blocks us from taking the risks often required to earn more money. Think of the promotion you won't go for or the more appealing and lucrative career change that is too daunting to let in to your consciousness. Think of the inner voice of fear saying things like “I won't get it, why even bother.” Or, “There are other people far more qualified than me.” 

But what if either of these changes would bring you $5000 to $20,000 more per year, or more, and you've been avoiding these changes for a a mere three years? I don't know about you, but I can think of plenty of things to do with an additional $15,000 to $60,000, annually.

So how can you stand up to that voice? Think of all the ways that you do qualify. Scroll back and think of every piece of positive feedback that's ever come your way, whether you believed it at the time or not. 

Think of specific examples of work you have done that stands out. Write these things down and see if your “evidence” is enough to suade you to reconsider your stance.

Alternately, recall the times that people who are not, in your view, very adept, but are outwardly confident got the promotion, got the raise. This feels a bit immature as I write it, but it also feels extremely true and important. Regardless of skill level, the people who are willing to go for things are always in a better position to get them, plain and simple. Wouldn't you be doing a service to everyone to plug in your concrete examples of skilled goodness into the next level of work?

If you truly are left with the feeling that you aren't ready—that it isn't fear, but a simple truth—take the steps to prepare you for the next time an opportunity arises (e.g., take a class, find a mentor, etc.).

3. Fear leads us to purchase things we may not need. Think car rentals where we purchase insurance even though we are already insured. Think baby product industry where the edge of informed parenting is on a slippery slope down which you can fall into a pit of purchases you don't need—from buying every single book on parenting you see to insisting on the Cadillac of strollers instead of the perfectly good Toyota.

The latter example can also be seen in other phase-of-life purchases made because we want to keep up with what society says we should be doing. Think purchasing a house or car that you cannot actually afford.

I know this is quite a spectrum of stuff that may range from 25 to hundreds of thousands of dollars. And I should add that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with wanting any of these things. But what they all have in common is the in-the-moment perception that we must have them, or else _____________. No matter what you put in that blank space, it is likely a statement about fear.

So how can you buy some time? Do just that. Do whatever research you need to do before you get in the car rental line, the real estate office, or the baby registry zone. Get an idea about what you truly need, based on your values, your budget, and your bigger picture timeline. 

Talk to people you know and trust before those who are in a position to sell you something. And when you are before the sellers take all the time you need to ask clarifying questions. And don't forget one of the first words you ever learned: “No.”

I've been back to the dentist twice since that initial visit and it's amazing how my comfort level grows each time. The cost is a bummer, but I know it's finite. It's like the decision to seek support in any way. I'm not only investing in my health, but in my ability to change how I show up to different situations. And that to me is priceless.