The Benefits of Counseling During Pregnancy, Part 2: Letting Yourself Feel Your Feels.

Raise your hand if you've ever criticized yourself for having to sneeze. Oh, I'm sorry, did that sound ridiculous? 

Okay, raise your hand if you've ever criticized yourself for not being able to "get over" something, for not being tough/kind/flexible/resilient/giving enough, for simply, as the kids say "feeling your feels." 

Lots of virtual hands and nods, I know. Because it's our shared experiences. 

Today I'm going to talk to you about a few ways we respond to our stressors without necessarily knowing it. This will help you recognize the same or similar patterns in yourself. 

What we often don't realize is that the actual situation at hand and the way we are responding to it are two distinctly different things that happen to come in quick succession.

Being harsh on yourself about what just happens to be happening is both unfair and unhelpful.

We already talked about how pregnancy can offer a sometimes heightened sense of your feelings and how that can be useful if you can work with it. Part of that process involves getting to know your style of relating to your stress, which may include one of these three patterns.

A trigger shows up, BAM. Do you :

1. Try to ignore it or numb out (via work, television, substances)? When we do this we often overflow later (hello rage, anxiety, panic) for a seemingly unrelated reason. Or we may act passive aggressively. 

Elise just told Mila, who she considers a close friend that she’s 14 weeks pregnant and Mila barely registered a response, much less an enthusiastic one. Elise feels a momentary heavy feeling spread across her chest and then one second later changes the subject. In the car, she talks on the phone non-stop, and once home binge watches her favorite show Her husband arrives with takeout, but forgot Elise’s favorite item and she yells at him for being totally selfish and unsupportive. Oh, and she “accidentally” leaves Mila off her shower list. 

2. Notice you’re upset and then swiftly internally judge or berate yourself for it? 

Lorraine is 38-weeks pregnant and her mother-in-law just had the brilliant idea to come for a month-long visit, to be here for the arrival and to help in the first few weeks. Lorraine loves her MIL, but finds her to be a bit intrusive and judgmental. She knows clearly that this plan is a bad fit for her, but can’t shake the thoughts “This is such a generous offer, I must be so mean for wanting to turn it down, “I am so selfish for wanting these last few weeks for me and hubs and then for us and the baby.” 

3. Become all-consumed by the stressor, making it hard to tend to anything else? In this case, the internal message seems to be "If I think about this long enough the answer will appear," when really ruminating can be quite immobilizing. This is the type of relating to stress that is often present in those who have anxiety and/or depression - often with the addition of guilt and shame. It's painful. 

Sarah is excited to have become pregnant after close to a year of trying. She was excited for all of five minutes before starting to worry about labor. She looked some things up on the internet to ease her mind and it led her to have more questions. What will labor be like? Do I want an epidural or not? How am I ever going to do this? And then, how am I going to take care of this baby? In an almost trance-like state, she read and googled and thought and thought, and in an attempt to help herself feel better through information, she stopped engaging with friends and other interests. 

Any of these sound familiar to you?

​While they are all different, what these styles have in common is that there is a fundamental rejection of allowing for the feeling. And that rejection is causing more pain.

One benefit of counseling during pregnancy is that you get to identify your unique way of responding to your stressors, which can be so illuminating in and of itself. But there's also a bonus: You then get to choose a more helpful response. 

The next installment will focus on some options there - ones you certainly can use even if you don't make it into the therapy room! 

For right now, for this moment, go ahead and try this: Place one hand on your heart (another on your belly, if you wish). Feel the warmth this simple gesture creates. Rest in that warmth for just a moment.

Listen. Until you know that there are options for how you can respond to stress, life is going to feel like it’s happening to you instead of you feeling like you’re living your life, with a balanced combo of pleasant, neutral, and difficult experiences. 

Which would you prefer?

Yours in wellness, self-care and compassion,

Shana
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​Think I may be the right fit for you or a loved one? Feel free to email me at contact@shanaaverbach.com or call 415-963-3546 for a free 20-minute consultation call.