Wellness Tool: What's Your Type?

I was pretty nerdy-excited to overhear a couple arguing about personality types the other night. 

The woman, who identifies as an introvert, excitedly said how valuable it is to know such things about yourself, especially when conflict arises.

The guy was adamant that these things are "bullshit" and he "hates how people use that type of explanation as a crutch." 

As they went back and forth, I pieced together (pretending they were using "I statements" instead of speaking in generalities) that she would like him to understand her natural way of being so he doesn't take certain actions personally, and he would like her to stay open to thinking/feeling a different way, so that the door stays open to multiple possibilities. 

I got the sense that things felt closed down and out of his control when framed in these popular psychology terms. Like maybe she would say things like, "I can't go to your business dinner. I'm an introvert." He used the word bullshit a lot.

It took everything in me to not turn around and tell them about the very un-bullshitty reliability of the Myers-Briggs personality inventory, in which introversion/extroversion is one of the scales, along with three others, how it's likely to reveal the same results across your lifetime (that's right, take it when you're 18 and again at 40 and it's likely to yield the same results), and how it's one of the few tools employers have been using for years for employee development.  [You can take the test here for free, as I go on to editorialize...]

But most importantly, understanding that people interact with the world, make decision, and process information differently often serves to help relationships - with self and others - not hinder them (perhaps finding a shared interest and language for such exploration would be helpful for that couple, but that's a whole other topic).

For example some people have a hard time moving into action about something (whether choosing a sandwich or a potential mate) without having lots of options and flexibility and others just decide. Each side can frustrate the hell out of the other, especially when collaborative decision making is required. But knowing the other is going through their legitimate process can soften the frustration a bit. 

Some people have to say aloud most of their thoughts in order to make sense of them and some need to go within. The day I realized this was true I felt such a relief, as a certain kind-and-lovely family member of mine is very much like this, and I just happen to be to the type to really listen to what a person is saying. As you can imagine, I felt irritated and like my boundaries weren't being respected, because at any given time he or she would start sounding off, regardless of what I was doing. But knowing that he or she just needed to get the words out of his or her brain allowed me to appropriately tune out. In this case, a listener wasn't required. The irritation melted away.

And then there's the introvert-extrovert thing, which has been getting a lot of social media buzz these days. Just knowing whether you generate energy from more solitary versus socially interactive settings helps you balance your energy levels. It took me YEARS to realize I am somewhat of an introvert, likely because I am pretty sociable and have always chosen to work with people. Now I realize that regardless of those characteristics, I absolutely have to counterbalance my interactive time with alone time in order to function, period. 

Before I framed it in these terms, I had less of an explanation for the exhaustion I felt at times. And when we don't have an understanding/words for things, we can go to scarier places (but I suppose that's another subject too!).

So I would encourage you, as I have many a client, to explore your personality type. Knowing where you fall on these personality continuums can be a great step in not only getting to know yourself better, but also understanding the people around you. The self-knowledge will give you a boost, no crutch required. 

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