Kindness is Queen: Three Research-Based Reasons to Practice Self-Compassion After Having a Baby

The postpartum period is challenging by any reasonable standard -  long hours, few breaks, a steep learning curve, physical recovery, predictable relationship distress (or that which comes with single parenthood), just to name a few factors. I wish this was compelling enough to get mamas to be gentler on themselves during this short, but oh-so-long-feeling phase.

Then there’s the hormonal rollercoaster, any genetic predisposition toward worry or sadness (on overdrive anxiety and depression), the repercussions of a labor experience that may not have gone as planned, life stressors, and the fact that - if you’re reading this - you’re likely parenting in the United States, which doesn’t have a system in place to support new moms, as many other cultures do. Those seem like enough reasons to be kind to yourself along the way.


And then there’s the part where most of us in the face of distress - due to how our brains work - quite naturally try to will, criticize or even berate ourselves into feeling differently (oh you thought it was just you? Nope). That seems just unfair enough to justify finding ways to balance the scales by steering some compassion inward.


But since these reasons don’t always convince mamas to go the self-compassion route (make no mistake about it, I am aiming to sway you!), I offer you three pieces of research that support the benefits of inclining kindly towards self. All of these come from Kristin Neff, who has a generous spread of research, tools, and meditations on her website. If you're visual, here's an infographic with a couple bonus research points.


1. Self compassion is linked to positive emotions such as happiness, optimism, gratitude, and positive affect.


Let’s go back to the part about life as a new mom being hard. There's nothing wrong with feeling challenged by it, but when we add in the critical white noise that often sounds something like - I should be enjoying every moment of this. I'm not cut out for this job. A better mom would know and do all the things – it adds a layer of suffering.


Finding a way to talk to yourself that includes messaging like – Oh hon, this is so hard right now, you are doubting yourself while trying to learn this new job. That's tough. You are not alone in your doubt or frustration – you will actually have a greater chance at being present for the sweet moments and the not-so-hard parts.


2. Self compassion fosters resilience in the face of adversity.


A sad truth about the journey to motherhood is that it sometimes comes with larger challenges. Some experience loss along the way, others have difficult, if not traumatizing, labors, and still others have devastating life circumstances rolling alongside the transition to motherhood – natural disasters, loss of parent(s), and community violence to name a few.
Finally, about 15% of new moms experience depression and 10% anxiety in the postpartum phase, increasing the difficulty of adjustment and enjoyment.


Enter again this extra layer of hurt with the inner response to these experiences. We have a way of yelling at ourselves to get back up that doesn't exactly, A) work, or B) foster the desire to reach out for a hand.


What if the next words we heard from within were:


You have made it through so much, and it's hard to muster the energy to even slog through the day. You are not alone in your struggle, even on your darkest day. Anyone would be having a hard time in your shoes. This hurts now, but won't last forever.


What the research suggests is that from this place – learning and practicing the skills of self compassion - we are better able to stand back up when pushed around and/or knocked over by adversity.


3. Self compassionate people feel less emotional upheaval when faced with relationship conflicts


Research shows that two out of three couples experience relationship distress in the first few years of parenting. Said another way, you can expect to have some degree of relationship conflicts after having a baby (and that's not even to speak of parental and in-law ones!).


Considering that fact that, as mentioned above, most people in this culture are parenting largely in isolation, having conflict with a partner is really tough – you are each other's third and fourth hands!


I don't know about you, but when I'm in a heated conflict I kind of emotionally spin out far away from my kind and reasonable parts. But when I can soothe myself through compassionate words (You're feeling misunderstood, you just wanted to enjoy this rare time together, oof. It's okay, it happens to most of us) and warm touch (hand on heart, hand on belly) I am able to come back to myself quicker, and then back to my partner.


My experience aligns with the research that says if you can find a way through with self-compassion, you will be able to find your footing more easily when swept up by conflict.


There is a simple and profound Buddhist concept that says Suffering = Pain x Resistance. When we are in the middle of the pain points that come in the postpartum phase and beyond, one way we resist is by listening to our inner critic, believing the tough parts will last forever, and, most concerning, thinking we are alone in our experience. Compassion is like a salve for the pain, thus lessening the suffering. And mama, you deserve to be soothed.


Yours in wellness, self-care and compassion,
​
Shana

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Think I may be the right fit for you or a loved one? Feel free to email me at contact@shanaaverbach.com or call 415-963-3546 for a free 20-minute consultation call.