How The Eff Do I Connect With My Partner While Learning to Parent??

I think we all know that disappointed, helpless feeling when the thing we need the most feels out of reach (I feel mine in the pit of my stomach). That's the shared experience we'll touch on today in the context of connecting with partner through new parenthood.

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Today I'll share the next batch of feedback from the survey, along with some more resources and words of wisdom from a few therapist colleagues. This time we're focusing on the subject of postpartum relationship woes, specifically feelings of disconnection from partner.

First a touch of research on the topic:

According to the Gottmans, the husband-wife team from the Gottman Institute and the The Relationship Research Institute in Seattle, Washington (and authors of the Book And Baby Makes Three, which is an excellent resource in and of itself), in studying 130 families long-term: 

“[I]n the first three years after babies were born a whopping two-thirds of parents experienced a significant drop in their relationship quality" (p. 16).

The Gottmans actually indicate research from the 1950s and 1980s that have the the numbers at more like 80-something percent. That's a lot of distressed couples.

I recalled these statistics when I saw our numbers from the survey, because what do you know? Of our 200+ sample, about 62% of respondents indicated this experience postpartum (which was a big leap from the 26% of moms who felt this disconnection during pregnancy).

This number is high enough, but it was highlighted further by the fact that the majority of our moms - nearly 77% - when asked with whom they shared their big feelings (you know, the anxiety, sad thoughts, along with the joys, etc.), indicated their partners.

Think about that for a sec.

This means that mamas are sharing their most personal, nuanced, sometimes scary thoughts and feelings with their partners, and feeling like they can't quite access them at the same time. Ugh.

What could possibly be happening here?

Let's start with the common sense approach:

Why wouldn't it be tough on a relationship to bring a brand new person into the equation, much less one who is completely dependent on you?

Why wouldn't your primary relationship be strained against the backdrop of sleep deprivation, a million new tasks, and, in all likelihood, minimal additional support?

And who do you know who's at their personal and relational best when staring up a mountain of I-don't-know-how-to-do-this-ness (and by the way you cannot for the life of you see the peak, so have no idea how long the climb).

When we think about it this way, some of the tension can be mitigated by adjusting expectations. But that's not enough. Cause this becoming a parent shit is hard, and the voice of reason is easily drowned by the cries of all of the above. 

Since I work largely with individuals, I asked some passionately couples-focused members of my therapist tribe to share their thoughts on this, specifically,

1. What do you see as the number one obstacle blocking connection when couples become parents? And
2. What's your number one tool/assignment/recommendation that helps remove the obstacle and allows couples to find each other again? This is what they said:

According to Christie Sears Thompson, MA, MFTC (www.tradewindstherapy.com), who practices in Wheat Ridge, CO,

“Exhaustion as well as lack of self-care and relationship-care are pretty big barriers to connection. Many couples are in survival mode after their baby is born. Not only are they sleep deprived, but they are trying to manage life around the demands of a tiny human. When a baby is introduced to new parents, typically the focus of care shifts in that direction. Each partner's self-care usually takes a huge step backwards and relationship-care sometimes becomes non-existent.

New parents have to implement self-care. I teach my clients about the eight facets of self-care: emotional, physical, nutritional, relational, spiritual, sensual, contextual, and intellectual. We review each of these categories and discuss how each person can address these areas more effectively. I find that when my clients can manage better self-care practices, they feel better overall and it becomes much easier to connect with their partner and reinstate some healthy relationship-care practices.”


Jessica Cowling, LCSW (www.jessicacowling.com) in London Ontario Canada says this:

“I see that most new parents don't understand each other's stress. Dad doesn't understand how busy it is looking after a baby all day, and how emotionally draining it is, and how much she doesn't want to be touched, and how desperate she is for adult interaction. Mom doesn't understand that Dad is tired too (although probably not as tired as her!), that he feels an enormous amount of pressure to provide for the family, that he too is probably craving some alone time when he gets home from work, that he might feel quite inadequate and/or useless when it comes to looking after baby, especially if Mom doesn't let him do anything with the baby or takes over when he does it "wrong". And competition/scorekeeping.

The short answer is that they are probably just not aware of and prepared for the changes that are coming.

I tend to use Emotionally Focused Therapy (Sue Johnson), so we talk a lot about the negative cycles of interaction. Often it's just making space for them to express their frustrations, and helping the other to hear and understand. And normalizing their experience.”


According to Sarah Tie, NC, LPCC (www.windingpathcounseling.com) in Denver, CO ,

“One of the biggest obstacles that I encounter is the belief that the child always has to come first.” [The authors of this article agree!] When a couple first has a baby their focus and attention automatically shifts to the baby. While this makes sense for a while, I find that after the adjustment period has passed, many parent struggle to pull focus back onto themselves and let go of the guilt that comes from taking time away from their child.
The message that I give all parents about this is: when you and your partner are healthy and happy, your child is getting the best from you both. In other words, by taking some time for you, you are actually doing what is also in the best interests of your kid: giving him or her happy parents. To this end, I always recommend planning regular dates or time off, whether or not you have something planned. Have regular time set aside for you and your partner - make it a habit, because spontaneity isn’t an option when you have a small child”! 


And finally, *Nicole O'Conner, LMFT, ATR (http://www.nicoleoconnormft.com/)  in San Francisco, CA notices this:

“Each family is different, but generally speaking: management of basic needs (sleeping, eating, using the bathroom/showering), lack of social support, Increase in defensiveness and criticism between the couple due to stress, worry that it will always be this difficult

Come up with a plan for basic needs (i.e., sleeping in shifts, schedule meals and showers, etc). This helps to reduce resentment, so the couple can connect with each other around the love of their new baby. Having the non-feeding partner step in and start doing household chores without being asked, helping to reduce worry and increase emotional space for the appreciation. Find support systems outside the marriage - parents groups, moms groups, online neighborhood parents groups. Work on finding other parents that you enjoy having a cup of coffee with to help reduce the expectation that the partner will be all things. Be mindful in the moment to not criticize and/or defend yourself, if one person is winning then you're both losing. Remember that most couples have a "perpetual problem" that continues to come up over and over, the problem is not in the other person, but rather how you dialogue about that issue.”

*For our local SF mamas, Nicole O'Connor will be conducting a couples workshop on July
15th and again on September 30th at Natural Resources. For more information visit:
https://www.naturalresources-sf.com/products/transitioning-from-partners-to-parents

To summarize so far, in the face of relational distress and disconnection, which the majority of new parents feel, we can:

• manage our expectations about how things are “supposed to be” (especially if we think they'll be easy, natural or graceful!) and acknowledge that we are experiencing a challenge like no other,
• acknowledge and tend to our multifaceted self-care needs,
• listen and try to understand each each others' experiences and needs,
• (re)prioritize the couple relationship as a foundation for the parental one, and strategize around practical support and solutions (e.g., division of labor, outside support, etc.).

For those of you wanting more structure and facilitation, here are some more resources options,

Remember the Gottmans? Well they used their research to create workshops which are held across the map. Check out their offerings here. https://www.gottman.com/parents/

Another option is Elly Taylor's work, which focuses specifically on the adventure into parenthood. She has an 8-step book and is training therapists to facilitate:https://ellytaylor.com/parenthood-1

And last but anything but least, Dr. Sue Johnson the founder of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and the author of Hold Me Tight has trained thousands of therapists on this approach so there are workshops all over! In my experience, couples resonate deeply with this work. The easiest way to find a local workshop is to do a quick search for “hold me tight workshop.”

And of course, of course therapy can help immensely too. Focusing your search on therapists who support parents will lead you to the best support for you.

Yours in wellness, self-care and compassion,
​
Shana

​Think I may be the right fit for you or a loved one? Feel free to email me at [email protected] or call 415-963-3546 for a free 20-minute consultation call.