Opinions Are Like A__Holes OR An Open Letter to Anyone Asking What You're Doing With Your Life

Nearly two years ago I published this letter, the intro starting with: 

I'm going to start wearing a tee-shirt every day that reads "No, I am not pregnant." This is simply because I got married last fall and I have slowly come to notice (mostly due to countless confessions) that people in every domain of my life are wondering, bless their hearts. Seriously, I find it endearing, because it seems to come from a good place and because this just happens to not be something that bothers me. 

However, in other areas of my life, the constant inquiry about my life events did get to me, particularly around transitioning out of college and graduate school. I found others' questions intrusive and pressuring no matter how well-intentioned.

A 10-month-old baby, and a thousand "are you going to have another" questions later - starting about four seconds after I gave birth - in addition to numerous women coming to me with their discomfort about the "are you trying" question, this concept is up for me again. And I know for a fact I'm not alone, which is lovely.

Since graduations, weddings, and babies are all currently in season I offer this again to you and yours, for modifying, tattooing on your forehead, or just for a soft touch of comic relief. Enjoy and remember to keep your eye on your own work. You know best. 

Dear person-inquiring-about-my-impending-important-life-transitions,

It's funny you should ask, I was just switching back and forth between obsessively asking myself the same question and doing anything in my power to not think about it. 

The truth is that I don't have a clear answer, which feels scary. I am still making choices and have no control over some of the factors going into the final decision, which feels scary as well. Even if I choose a [job, partner, school, career path, etc.] the feeling might not be mutual, and yet I still have to make all this effort to choose wisely. I have to trust the [Universe God, Goddess, Spirits, etc.] despite a lot of uncertainty, and that can be difficult at times. 

I know that your curiosity is natural, and, unless you're a perfect stranger trying to make conversation, you have probably played at least a minor role in my life and therefore my life path. So it kinda feels like we're in this together. 

This sentiment seems especially present when you give me all your opinions along with your questions. It's like we better make sure we cover all our criteria, in order to not make a fatal error, which would really affect us negatively. 

While I appreciate all the inclusiveness, the trouble is there are a lot of us, which makes things difficult for me in a couple of ways. One, for each person whose [happiness, pride, satisfaction, sense of accomplishment, etc.] it seems is riding on this, the bigger my fear of disappointment becomes. 


Sometimes the pressure builds and builds until I feel like I will burst. You might recognize this scenario from such episodes as I-just-yelled-at-you-for-asking-if-I'd-finished-writing-my-[job-application, essay, vows, etc.] and I-know-it's-just-a-commercial-I-don't-know-why-I'm-crying.

The other problem arising from the group discussion of my life decisions is that sometimes the conversation is so loud that I can't hear myself think. Even though it may look like I'm not listening at times, I am hearing all the commentary and, like it or not, considering it. I know I am lucky to have people who care enough to offer advice (even if it's unsolicited 90% of the time), but I ultimately have to listen to my own voice, my own wisdom, and in order to do so, I need some space. 

I think if I had that space I could also come up with questions to ask you (and you and you)! I don't mean to be ungrateful or rude. I know you have the best intentions, and my best bet is that you have no idea that you are the seventh person to ask me about this today. I also don't want you to think that this topic is off-limits completely, but there are some small things you can do to make these conversations easier:

First, maybe you could take a moment to imagine  being in my position and think about what you would want and need. Also, just asking a couple questions before diving into the details would help, like “Would now be an okay time to ask about so-and-so,”? or “Would it be okay to offer my opinion on this”? 

This way I'd feel like I have a choice in the matter instead of feeling surprise attacked all day. I would really appreciate that.

The last thing I'd like to add, while I have your attention, is that in addition to this upcoming life decision, the rest of my life is moving swiftly along. Sometimes I care way more about my crush, the new burrito spot I just discovered, or the latest episode of Scandal. We can talk about those things too. 

Anyway, thanks for asking.

Love,

Me