A Lesson From The Laundromat

Have you ever had a burst of clarity about something you thought you were already quite clear on? This happened to me the other day as I was talking with a friend about how small interactions with people we don't even know can strongly impact our moods (in many directions). This was the end of that conversation:

Friend:"Did I ever tell you about what happened to me at a laundromat a few years ago? I swear I've never been so mad."

Me: No. What happened?

Friend: I was standing at one of those wide counters folding laundry when out of nowhere a tied up bag of dog shit flew across the room, past my face, and landed in the trash.

Me: Hm.

Friend: (Now slightly amped as though reliving the moment) I looked up to see a man and his dog standing just outside of the doorway. I gave the guy a dirty look and he just stood there with a slightly proud look on his face like 'What? I do this all the time'!

Me: He probably does.

Friend: (Softening a little) That's true. It's probably a game he plays with himself at the end of his dog walk every day.

Me: Man, sometimes people are so wrapped up in their own world that that they don't even realize they're throwing shit around.

And that was the moment. 

Objectively speaking, I think it's fair to assume that the guy outside the laundromat was more likely to be having a moment of fun at his personal free throw line than trying to insight anger in a perfect stranger.* 

But one of those life things that is really hard to wrap your mind around is that people are generally not trying to piss you off, even when you cannot fathom any other possible explanation for their behavior (attitude, disregard,"shit throwing," etc.). 

I first got on board with this when my 19-year-old self read The Four Agreements, in which the author, Miguel Ruiz, advised "Don’t take anything personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering."

At the time I kinda got it, but I didn't get it. I'd put this invaluable lesson in the easy-to-understand-but-hard-to-practice category. Plus, it's a pretty tall order. After all, we are just a bunch of individuals trying to get our needs met. We are at the center of our own lives, and it's impossible to know what experiences each person is toting around.

But as I got older and especially when I started sitting with clients and working in complex and collaborative settings, this concept really started becoming clear. So much hurt comes from the mere exchanging of words, actions, and energy of people who aren't aware of the fear/sadness/desires/intentions/you-name-it of the other. This is true between family members, friends, colleagues, and the general public alike. In our most vulnerable times the the impact is strongest.

I once got a cold call from a Sprint representative telling me about some upgrade I didn't want or need. She called repeatedly from a number I didn't recognize which sparked a fear in me that something was wrong with someone I knew, so I answered. "Did you know you qualify for an upgrade . . ."? she read from a script. "What? No. I'm not interested. Take me off your list. Thanksbye," I said, rushing her off the phone.

A minute later I got a text from a different number. It read: "You aint gotta be a bitch."

The rest of this story can be saved for another day, but one of the first thoughts that went through my mind, even through my disbelief and anger, was that she was right. I actually could have been more kind with my words and tone, while still conveying my message. Her (presumable) need to make a sale mixed with my need to be left alone and to know that my loved ones were okay led to an unkind and unmindful exchange. The exchange ultimately led to a rather violating behavior.

So what are we to do here? Accept that people are going to throw their shit around? Stop throwing it ourselves? I would say to aim for a little bit of both.

Simply slowing down and increasing our mindful awareness that our actions affect one another is a powerful intervention.

So two areas of practice come to mind:

1. In any given moment, as we move about the world, we can choose to pay attention to how we make waves. We can say "excuse me," "please," and "thank you." We can notice when we've cut someone off and say "I am sorry." Sometimes it seems people mistake basic manners for dogma. But these words and deeds are surely just ways to say "I see you. I consider you and your experiences as just as valuable as my own." 

2. As others affect us we can stay curious about the intention of their actions instead of assuming we know. We can practice "I statements" (I feel disregarded and disrespected when you flung that bag of shit across the room -VS- You are a horrible person because you threw...). 

We can practice loving-kindness meditation and move the loving-kindness towards those with whom we have the hardest time. And we can continue to monitor our own interactions with those having an ongoing negative impact on our lives. We can gain perspective about another and still choose to not be around them (This is especially important to remember if the other is aggressive or abusive). 


What astounded me about the conversation with my friend was how instantly she felt different when considering a different point of view. Her anger was washed away, hung to dry in the light of a different outlook.


*Also objectively speaking, I think the throwing of feces should be an activity reserved for monkeys, but in this context that is beside the point.